The Rider Review - Speak No Evil
By Johnny Betts
Reader: Where am I?
Johnny: Oh, you're at the Rider Review.
Reader: Who are you?
Johnny: I'm Johnny Betts, the most entertaining man on the
Internet today.
Reader: Oh. So what's this Rider Review thing?
Johnny: Only the funniest column on the Internet! It's got an
international audience!
Reader: Looks like a bag of horse manure to me.
Alas, so is the life of all great artists. Welcome once again to the Rider Review. You
folks either didn't read the last review or were too lazy to respond because I didn't
hear from as many people this time around. So far my "Gunfighter"
review has gotten the largest response. What does this prove? That people love Jimmy.
A few people said the "Home of the Brave" review was
funny, but not as funny as the previous reviews. However, some of those same people
told me the review was still better than the episode. Then again, some more of you said
I simply can't write a bad review (have I ever said how much I love my wife?). I think
it's all a mental thing. You see, at the beginning of the last review I stated I didn't
have much material to work with and feared the quality of the review might suffer. I
figured people would either expect the worse and then be pleasantly surprised, or
they'd be thinking all along, "He's right, this is as unfunny as the Michael Richards'
show!"
So this week I'm going to try a new strategy.
THIS RIDER REVIEW IS FULL OF HILARITY AND GOOD TIMES! YOU'LL BE LAUGHING SO HARD THAT
YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF RUNNING TO THE BATHROOM EVERY FIVE MINUTES! I JUST WET MY PANTS
THINKING ABOUT HOW FUNNY THIS REVIEW WILL BE!
I might as well go with overconfidence.
Oh, and I've had a few people e-mail me about this, so let me just go ahead and set
things straight right now: Yes, it's perfectly OK for you, fine readers, to send me
gifts.
Lori e-mailed me awhile back and mentioned Wayne Northrop's obviously fake beard in
"Gunfighter." I totally forgot to comment on it in my
review. She's totally right, the beard looked like it was straight from a Mad TV skit.
You'd think the make-up department could do a little better than that. I also told Lori
I'd mention it in the "Home of the Brave" review, but
alas, I forgot. So to make it up to Lori, I dedicate this entire paragraph to her! And
believe me folks, it's quite an honor to have an entire paragraph in the Rider Review
dedicated to you.
Last week's trivia question dealt with Michael Wren and Clare Wren. I asked if they
were related to each other in any way. No one seemed to know for sure, but the best
answer goes to Jess who is this week's CO-RIDER REVIEW MARK OF THE WEEK! According to
Jess, in a weird and twisted way they are the exact same person.
"Co-Rider Review Mark of the Week? Johnny, does this mean someone else is sharing the
title this week?" Yes it does, dear reader. Ann from Australia has been kind enough to
make sound files of each episode's "Sam-worthy quip" so I am making her CO-RIDER REVIEW
MARK OF THE WEEK!
[UPDATE - April 8, 2002 - Australia Ann is still a devoted reader, but
the review isn't currently featuring the sound clips]
Do all of you know what a "spoonerism" is? According to Webster's New World Dictionary
a "spoonerism" is an unintentional interchange of sounds, usually initial sounds, in
two or more words (Ex.: "a well-boiled icicle" for "a well-oiled bicycle"). I use them
(unintentionally) quite often. Please allow me to share with you the Rider Review
Spoonerism of the Week:
I meant to say, "When the polls close," but instead I said, "When the close poll."
Thank you, this has been the Rider Review Spoonerism of the Week.
Whoa, I just found an old paper I wrote in the sixth grade. I'd like to share it with you
now:
"Why I Rule," by little Johnny Betts.
I rule because I am Johnny Betts and you are not. BOOYA! Thank you.
I got an A on it too, the teacher simply couldn't deny my "ruliosity."
DC Jen's birthday was November 10 (happy belated birthday!), and I told her for her
birthday I would try to say something nice about Kid. So be on the lookout for DC Jen's
birthday gift -- Johnny Betts saying something nice about Kid.
I hope you readers realize I started writing this review on the Friday after Thanksgiving!
If that doesn't illustrate the kind of dedication I have for my fans then I don't know
what will. Christmas is less than a month away, so hurry up and get those gifts of
appreciation in the mail!
Before I get started let me just thank all the fans who are hopping aboard the "Johnny
Betts for President" campaign. Did y'all see Bush's speech when it was certified that
he won Florida? He appeared humble and genteel. Nothing wrong with that, but here's
what I would've said if I had just been certified the President-elect:
"I'd just like to ask the Vice President what part of 'you lost three times' he doesn't
understand, BOOYA!"
Oh, and as a public service announcement I'd just like to ask Rodrigo to listen to his
friend and give The Young Riders a try. But if you don't want to do that, THEN AT
LEAST, READ THE RIDER REVIEW.
OK, so who's ready for a little reviewing fun? You're not? Well, TOO BAD! I'm running
this show, and we're gonna do some reviewing!
Let's start off with a quick review of the opening credits (here you go, Ann!). I love
the opening credits. I ALWAYS watch the opening credits. It doesn't matter how many
times I've seen them, they always put me in the right Young Riders-watching mode.
Everything works so well in the credits, from the opening shot of the sun on the
prairie to the map of the Pony Express trail in the background to the opening
drum/cymbal sound to the first strums of the guitar to the final
riding-off-into-the-sunset scene.
I like Stephen Baldwin's intro where he breaks the glass. That's a scene from this
episode, actually. Josh Brolin's intro is good also. They show him twirling his gun
(from the first episode) and shaking his head at Emma's
request for him to apologize to Longley (from the second
episode). Who doesn't think it's cool when they recognize what episode the
different shots from the credits come from?
I also like the background image of all the riders walking on the dirt road, very cool.
Gregg Rainwater's intro is cool also, it shows him throwing the knife at the
rattlesnake (not Stone Cold) from the "Gunfighter"
episode. One of the Yvonne Suhor video frames is from this episode. Both of Anthony
Zerbe's video frames are from the first episode (arising from
the horse trough and eating an onion). I'm not 100 percent sure which episodes the
other cast members' video frames come from, they're pretty generic. But the opening
credits are just flat-out cool. Yes, I am a big mark for the opening credits. I love
the theme song and love to play it (albeit poorly) on the harmonica. I pretty much
jam! Speaking of the harmonica, it fits perfectly in the theme song. A Young Riders
soundtrack would have been perfect. So would all the Young Riders episodes on DVD. All
I have left to say is DAIR NAIR NAIR NAIR NAIR NAIR NAIR NAIR NAIR NAIR NAIR
NAAAAAAAAAAIR!!!!!!!
Speak No Evil. This is an Ike episode. It's really quite ironic because Ike can't speak,
therefore he CAN'T speak no evil. Actually, that joke is more stupid than the title is
ironic so let's just move along, shall we?
Ike witnesses a raid. He rides in for the rescue and kills one man but when he points
the gun at Albert Salmi, we see ol' Al has no bullets left. Attempting to get Ike to
feel sympathetic he says, "You wouldn't shoot an unarmed man would you?" Ike then shot
Salmi dead and somebody yelled out, "You just shot an unarmed man!" Ike then TALKS and
says, "Well, he should've armed himself." UNBELIEVABLE! IKE BREAKS HIS SILENCE, AND HE
SOUNDS JUST LIKE CLINT EASTWOOD! Oh wait, somebody stuck "Unforgiven" in the VCR,
whoops, sorry about that, Ike actually didn't shoot him.
Ike then sees another bad guy chasing a woman so he kills that dude and the woman gets
on his horse and off they go. Salmi Rushdie shoots the woman in the back and kills
her, leaving Ike to wonder if he should've killed the old coot in the first place. Yes
Ike, you should've. I can hear Hickok's voice in the background, "A man like that, you
never leave him standing, never."
In a funny scene, we see the riders trying to put a wheel back on a wagon. Cody stops
to stare at a woman. "Tell me I ain't died and gone to Heaven," Cody says with that
goofy (but funny) smirk of his. Jimmy informs him he's gonna die if he doesn't help.
Kid then shocks me by saying, "And it ain't Heaven you're gonna be going to."
Do you folks realize what Kid just said? Do you see the meaning behind those words? KID
THINKS HE'S GOD AND CAN DECIDE WHERE PEOPLE WILL SPEND THEIR ETERNITY! Man alive, first
he fraudulently wins $30, then he disowns his family, then he thinks he's the leader of
the riders, then he flirts with his horse, and now he thinks he's God. Simply
unbelievable.
Somewhere, Sharon is STILL working on her next e-mail to me. And don't worry Jen, I'll
keep my promise.
So Hickok and Cody argue over who the lady was looking at. This entire scene was funny:
Lou: Nice dress.
Jimmy: She fills it out real nice.
Lou: But can she ride?
Jimmy: Funny, I was just thinking the same thing.
Emma then says the woman -- who is a friend of hers -- was actually looking at Lou and
she takes a liking to the silent type. Jimmy says, "She'll love Ike then." Funny stuff.
Ike makes it back safely but isn't in a good mood. Late that night while the riders are
snug in their beds (most likely with the visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads)
they are awakened by the sound of gunfire. Buck, of all people, points out the shots
are coming from the garden patch.
What are we supposed to infer from this? Buck is an Indian and thus he has a sixth
sense for these things? Come on, surely any of the riders could have just as easily
determined where the shots were coming from. But the writers had Buck point it out and
it just makes it seem like the writers are saying, "Hey, he's an Indian, he's the best
at that sort of thing!" Maybe it wasn't intentional, but I bet you anything that it
was. It seems like that was their way of really trying to show us just how great of an
Indian Buck was.
We see Ike was shooting at a scarecrow. Buck tells the other riders to get lost because
he wants to talk with Ike. With the Johnny Betts Sign Language Dictionary by my side,
I'll try my best to decipher this conversation. I'll transcribe what Buck said, then
I'll describe Ike's sign language, and then below I'll decipher it the best I can:
Buck: Why won't you speak to me?
(Ike taps self and pushes four fingers outward twice)
Ike: Because you didn't play me in paper, rock, scissors last
week.
Buck: What happened? Why can't you tell me?
(Ike holds up his index finger and circles it around about three times)
Ike: Because not only are you a half-breed, but you're also
half-retarded.
Huh? Where did that come from? Ohhh, I guess that's kind of like when you circle your
finger around your ear to indicate that someone is crazy. Weird. I personally think Ike
was making too much use of a peace pipe Buck obviously left lying around.
In another funny scene, we see the riders riding (imagine that!) into town. Cody wants
to re-line his hat because he feels that somebody in the Pony Express has to show some
style. Kid takes Cody's hat and throws it in the air. Jimmy feigns shooting it and lets
it drop to the ground where it gets trampled by the horses.
Man, not only does Kid think that HE has the power to decide where Cody will spend
eternity, but he thinks it's all right to snatch Cody's hat away from him and toss it
around like there's no tomorrow. And I'm sure Kid also thinks that HE has the power to
decide whether or not there'll be a tomorrow. WHAT IS THIS GUY'S PROBLEM??? Jimmy
obviously stopped from shooting the hat because he didn't want to be part of the kind
of debauchery Kid was engaging in. Bravo to you and your restraint, Mr. Hickok,
bra-stinkin'-vo.
Teaspoon tells them they'll be buying Cody a new hat after they've finished up their
work in town. The funniest part is when Cody rides up next to Teaspoon and Emma's wagon
to take cover. It reminds me of a younger sibling running to mama and daddy to get
sympathy when their older sibling is picking on them. Teaspoon goes on to explain the
difference between pride and self respect. Ike frowns. My mother is a fish.
That last one was for any of you folks who had to suffer through the book, "As I Lay
Dying."
Let's see, the boys have half an hour to party. Sam shows up and talks about the
massacre we witnessed at the beginning of the episode. Ike appears upset and runs off.
What's up with THAT? I have no problem with Ike, but come on, he was being a bit of a
baby there. I mean, what was he hoping to accomplish?? He just keeps running until he
runs into Salmi Rushdie. Where did Ike think he was running? Was he just going to run
until he fell off the face of the earth? Did he think the other riders wouldn't get
suspicious? "My name is Ike and I go waaaaaah! And then I run away to no place in
particular! That'll really solve my problems!" I really don't understand what the point
was of making him run off like that. Unless that's the only way the writers could think
to have him run into Rushdie (whose name we find out is Nickerson).
So Rushdie laughs at Ike for not being able to talk and calls him dumb. Teaspoon takes
exception to this and says, "The only dumb thing mister is you calling that boy a
name." Ike denies knowing Nickerson at first but apparently didn't like being called
dumb so they go get Sam and Ike identifies St. Nick as the killer.
Jimmy's surprised. He thinks Nickerson looks like somebody's grandfather, but Cody is
quick to point out poison from an old rattlesnake will still kill you. Amen, I say
amen! I was at my grandmother's house once and thought it'd be cute if I sparred with
her a little bit. I was just a little lad at the time so I knew I wouldn't hurt her if
I landed any punches. I threw a couple of fake punches when all of a sudden I was met
with a sharp jab to the stomach that was quickly followed by an uppercut to the jaw. I
went down like an eider pillow! Granny was old but she could still pack a mean punch! I
should've left it at that because my ensuing drop-kick broke her hip and landed her in
the hospital for three weeks. Oh well, she never threw a punch at me again.
We find out the circuit judge is in Blue Creek, therefore, Ike and Nickerson need to be
safely escorted there.
And there were at the bunkhouse, Teaspoon and Sam's deputies in the field, keeping
watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the gang of Nickerson came upon them, and the
wrath of the gang shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. But never fear,
the riders fought back and drove away the bad guys. Emma even picked up a rifle and got
involved. Emma rules! A deputy is killed. I'm not surprised, you just knew that one
no-namer good guy would have to die during the shoot-out.
The next scene is our first "Scene of the Episode" contender. Let me point out the
"Scene of the Episode" will now be known as the "Classic Scene." Thanks go to Jeanette
for that suggestion. So, here we have our first "Classic Scene" contender:
Ike is going to head for Blue Creek on his own, but before doing so he throws down a
little old school sign language on us. He circles his finger under his palm, circles
his hand around, and puts his hands to his head. According to the Johnny Betts Sign
Language Dictionary, Ike is saying, "Something I ate is a' bubblin' under the surface
and there's no toilet paper! I must use my head to figure a way out of this situation!"
Folks, I simply cannot make this stuff up.
Buck (working without the help of the JBSLD) claims Ike was saying this was not their
problem. Balderdash.
Jimmy gets the first "Sam-worthy quip" contender with, "Man sends someone to kill me, I
make it my problem." Yeah buddy!
(Ike points to his side)
Buck: They came for him.
Kid: Then they came for us.
We then see the riders walking out of the stable.
Cody: You're crazy Hickok.
Teaspoon: That Beckwith's gonna slow you down something serious, Jimmy.
Jimmy: You pick your traveling companions, I'll pick mine.
Go Jimmy! Jimmy picks up the second "Sam-worthy quip" contender with that line. The
entire strength of that scene was based on Jimmy's two lines. So we'll call this scene
"the scene whose strength was based on Jimmy's two lines." There's really no argument,
if you had a battle you needed help fighting, Jimmy would be the one you'd choose to
help you. While Kid would "run for help," Jimmy would actually provide the help.
Anyway, the riders announce where they're going there will be no trails. They then head
for Blue Creek.
Sam rides into the station with Nickerson and isn't too pleased to learn the riders have
already left.
After some slow motion footage of the boys riding, they stop at a station. Kid pulls a
Buck and senses something. It just so happens that I have a copy of what the script
originally said, here it is:
"After some slow motion footage of the boys riding, they stop at a station. Buck uses his
keen Indian senses to detect something is wrong."
Rumor has it that the writers didn't want to overdo the whole "Buck is an Indian and thus
has some supernatural sense" gimmick, so they let Kid be the one to sense something in
this scene. Buck then somehow determines some horse manure is less than an hour old.
Sigh.
How in the world did he know that? Were Indians taught at a young age how to determine
the age of cow manure? "Judging by the warmth of the manure I'd say this pile is an hour
old, but this pile over here is 2 hours old." I think I would've skipped out on those
lessons, but that's just me.
We see Lou walking around and looking to see what up. Guess what? IT'S THE SHOT OF LOU
FROM THE OPENING CREDITS!
Lou notices a man tied up on the ground. She sees some horses and cuts their saddles.
Ike and Cody start to head inside the little station house, but we immediately see Cody
backing out the door and two mountain men are holding Ike hostage. It turns out they're
doing it for the money.
The mountain men lead Ike to the horses. After getting Ike up on a horse, the two men
get on their horses and start to ride away. The two men fall off their horses (due to the
saddles being cut) and the riders rescue Ike.
We see some riders coming from a distance. Buck claims there are "too many to count." I
disagree. There were about 8 riders. If I could get a clearer picture when I pause the
tape then I could get a more accurate number, but the point is that there were NOT too
many to count. Why couldn't Buck just sense how many riders there were?
Somebody needed to slow the riders down and Jimmy claimed that "somebody" was his middle
name? What? James Somebody Hickok? I thought his middle name was Butler! WHAT'S GOING ON
HERE???? Et tu, Jimmy? He's definitely been hanging around Kid too long.
Jimmy didn't want to leave Cody there by himself. After Cody declared he loved Hickok
also (a funny line), he explained he was better at distance than Jimmy and told him to
head on out. Jimmy wants Cody to live because Cody still owes him $2.
As the riders try to get away from the bad guys, they end up being trapped by a mountain.
They take shelter and trade a few shots with Nickerson's men. As they're trying to figure
out how to escape, Jimmy snaps at Ike for not killing Nickerson when he had the chance.
This is followed by awkward silence, a stupefied look by Ike and an apology from Jimmy.
Jimmy wants to take the Beckwith up the mountain, but Kid talks him into letting him
(Kid) do it. Jimmy resists at first, but Kid admits Jimmy is the best shot and needs to
stay with the group. WHOA! Kid just showed a sign of intelligence! I would just like to
take the time to congratulate Kid on having the guts and intelligence to finally own up
to the truth and admit Jimmy was a better shot than he was. Kid then says he "ain't no
hero." Do you folks realize what this means? In ONE scene, Kid made his two most
intelligent statements of the entire series! That's right, in ONE scene, Kid made TWO
statements that I can applaud. Good job Kid, my hat is off to you. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
DC JEN!
Kid climbs the mountain with the Beckwith and soon realizes it's gonna be harder than he
thought. "Me and my big mouth," he says. I'll admit, that was a funny line. HAPPY
BIRTHDAY, DC JEN!
Once Kid finishes his climbing, he fires at the bad guys with the Beckwith. This allows
the riders to escape and make it into town.
Once they ride into town Hickok takes Ike into the jail to see Nickerson. Jimmy wakes
Nickerson up and taunts him, telling him to look at the man that's gonna see him hang.
Nickerson doesn't think he'll hang, and Jimmy tells him, "If the law don't get ya, I
will, ya hear me?" I'm just glad Jimmy didn't go on to say "When I'm growed up, I will.
I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will." If you have no idea what I'm talking
about then you obviously haven't read the "Gunfighter"
Rider Review.
Ike has to be locked in a cell because it's the safest place in town to keep him. In the
meantime, Sam takes the rest of the riders out to eat. Ike must've felt loved. "How's the
cell, Ike? We're gonna leave you in the same room with Nickerson while I take the rest of
the boys out to eat. Hope ya don't mind, have fun!"
A lady drops her packages and Buck helps her with them. Sam let's Buck know they'll be at
the hotel whenever he's done. The next scene is good:
Jimmy: you don't make it, we'll understand.
Lou: You're amazing.
Jimmy: So I've been told. (funny line)
Lou: You're acting like everything's all right, what's wrong with
you?
Jimmy: The way I handle my problems is MY business. Unless you
forget, they're my friends too.
Lou: Sorry Jimmy, you're right.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! This line totally ROCKED! I mark out every time I watch this scene. I
just love how Jimmy gets in Lou's face and puts her in her place. Man, excuse me:
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP
I was standing while I was clapping, so Jimmy just got a standing ovation from me. Jimmy
just showed Lou the pimp hand and she deserved it! I think it's pretty obvious Jimmy gets
another "Sam-worthy quip" contender with that quote. Man, it just totally rules.
Lou then cries and says there's something in her eye. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! You just got put
in your place, honey, deal with it. The only thing in your eye is the figurative sting
from the back of Jimmy's hand!
Nickerson taunts Ike and tells him more people will die because of him. Yep, sure was a
good idea to keep Nickerson and Ike in the same room with no supervision, reeeeeal good.
At dinner Jimmy tries to be optimistic and says Kid and Cody are probably all right. Lou
gets mad and starts asking what if they're not, what if they're dead, what if the world
really is flat, what if Kid ran off to marry Katy, what if Cody was somewhere talking to
Pauly Shore about doing a future movie with him, etc.
Jimmy then gets ANOTHER "Sam-worthy quip" candidate with, "What if, what if. Why don't
you start thinking everything's gonna be OK instead of thinking the worst? What if you
start doing that for a change, huh?"
BRAVO! Man, Jimmy is just laying the smack down all over the place in this episode!
Yeah, what about that, Lou? WHAT IF YOU STOP YOUR INCESSANT WHINING AND QUIT BEING A
BABY FOR A CHANGE?!?!?!
True story. Little Johnny Betts took his first job at the tender age of 14. I was working
at a shoe store, but it was a job, and it filled my little pockets with something other
than lint for the first time in my life. One night, we had an employee meeting. The boss
wanted to discuss our profits and how the shoes could be sold in a more efficient
manner. An employee by the name of Bob had a few suggestions to proffer. Now keep in
mind, this meeting took place the day AFTER "Speak No Evil" originally aired, so I was
itching to use some of the phrases that I loved so dearly. Here's how the conversation
went down:
Bob: What if we organize the shoes according to type rather than
size and color? That might make things quicker to find. Or what if we had our special
deals up front? Or what if we...
Johnny: What if, what if. Why don't you start thinking
everything's gonna be OK instead of thinking the worst? What if you start doing that for
a change, huh?
Bob: What? Thinking the worst? I'm not being negative, I just...
With that I stood up, turned his chair around, made him stand up, gave him a boot to the
midsection and then DDT'd him right there on the floor. I followed that up with a frog
splash from the conference table. Suffice it to say, that was my last day of employment
there, but hey, ol' Bob was still lying motionless on the ground as I walked out the door.
Combining Young Riders quotes and wrestling has always seemed to get me in trouble.
Has this ever happened to anybody else?
Sam: Hickok's right, maybe we're worrying ourselves for nothing.
We then see the butt of a rifle hit the table and Cody says, "Ain't no maybe about it."
Funny delivery by Mr. Baldwin. Very good scene, it's another "Classic Scene" contender.
We'll call it "the scene where Jimmy slaps some sense into Lou, and Cody says 'Ain't no
maybe about it.'" There, that should be easy to remember.
The waiter gives Sam a note that says, "If your friend testifies, the Indian dies."
That's cute. As I mentioned earlier, I have access to the original script and here are
some other ideas that were considered for the message:
- If baldie takes the stand, we'll off the red man.
- If Nickerson gets accused, the Indian gets abused.
- If by the hangman's noose Nickerson is sentenced to choke, no more peace pipe will the
Indian smoke.
Man, that last one is kind of long, I guess they decided simpler is better. I also heard
in the original script Nickerson's lawyer was supposed to say, "If the witness cannot
talk, then my defendant must walk."
They show Ike the note and tell him no one will blame him for not risking Buck's life.
Not true, I'd blame him. If Ike didn't testify and then Nickerson was released and went
on to kill 50 more people, then how proud would Ike be of himself then?
Nickerson tries to get Ike to change his mind and Sam tells him if he doesn't shut up
he'll give Hickok the keys to the cell and take a long break. Jimmy slowly walks towards
Nickerson's cell with a devilish grin. Hilarious.
Ike makes a motion with his hand towards his mouth. Um, Ike wants a drink? Lou claims
he's saying, "He wants to see Nickerson HAAAAAAANG!" Not true, the Johnny Betts Sign
Language Dictionary lets us know that Ike was saying he wanted the riders to get
Nickerson drunk and try to make him die of a HAAAAAAANGover. Oh well, I'm sure Lou tried
her best.
Ike signs he saw his parents killed and then clamped his hand on his mouth to indicate
he couldn't speak. Lou somehow, somewhere learned how to interpret Ike's sign language
and let everyone know that's what Ike was saying. In actuality (according to the JBSLD),
Ike was saying, "Buck's my best friend and I simply cannot risk his life and so I will
NOT speak." Lou either misinterpreted what Ike was saying, or she had her own agenda and
incorrectly interpreted Ike's sign language on purpose. This could've caused big problems
if Buck was never rescued.
The riders promise to find Buck, but they only have until noon so they better get a move
on. "Get a move on what?" you may ask. I have no idea, I never understood that saying
either.
Nickerson does his best to make the viewer hate him by telling Ike, "First it was your
ma, then it was your pa, now it's your best friend. And they call ME killer." Ike then
BROKE HIS SILENCE and said, "Yeah, and next it's gonna be yo' stank self cuz I'm fri'in'
to get cowboy on you all up in dis junt!" Ike then did the running man dance. Whoa, kind
of out of character for Ike, and who would've thought he spoke Ebonics?
Kid knows Buck is somewhere close to the courthouse. How did Kid know this? Well, you
see, Nickerson said Buck would die the minute Ike took the stand. So what does that
mean? It means Buck had to be close enough for a "Kill the Indian" signal to be given
to someone. Rumor has it Ty Miller was to star in a Young Riders spin-off where Kid would
be a Western detective who'd go around solving mysteries. It was gonna be called "'Fro
Locks Holmes." The idea never made it past the talking stages though.
The riders decide to separate and search for Buck. Guess what we see next? THE SCENE
FROM THE OPENING CREDITS WHERE CODY BREAKS THE GLASS WITH HIS RIFLE!!!! Pretty exciting,
huh?
Kid runs into a room and sees a woman in a garter. He apologized, and I'm pretty sure I
heard him say, "I sure hope Katy doesn't find out about this." Can't be 100 percent
positive, though.
We see a child run through the street yelling "mama." Kid pointed his gun at the child.
The child just laughed, said "Nice pants," and kept running.
Back in the courthouse Ike swears to "tell" the truth. Now how in the world is he going
to do that? He can maybe "sign" the truth or "point out" the truth or even "write down"
the truth, but "tell" the truth he cannot.
A woman in the courtroom faints and is carried out. Hmmm, something fishy is going on!
Lou runs out and she (along with the rest of us) sees the woman open her umbrella as a
signal to a guy on the roof who then uses a mirror to signal to the guy holding Buck
hostage that Ike took the stand. Did you follow that sentence? It sounds awkward, but
hey, it gets my point across.
Lou yells over to Cody who then shoots the dude on the water tower. If the dude hadn't
insisted on blabbing to Buck about how he was about to die, then he would've been able
to shoot Buck before he (the bad guy) was shot by Cody. There were some pretty dumb bad
guys in Young Riders land.
Ike takes forever to identify Nickerson as the killer (even though the judge asked him
about a billion times), and then the sound of gunfire made him pause even longer. Buck
finally runs in, and Ike is now able to comfortably identify Nickerson as the killer.
Ike walks up to Nickerson and points his finger at him as a photographer takes a picture.
The show ends with a still-shot of that picture as it turns into an old-timey brown
looking color. It was a cool effect.
[UPDATE - April 16, 2002 - That "old-timey brown looking color" can more
accurately be referred to as "sepia." I use the color in many of my pictures on this
site. That info is free of charge, no need to thank me.]
All right, so what did I think? I like this episode mainly based on the many great lines
Jimmy has. I mark out every time he puts Lou in her place. It wouldn't be the first
episode to show to a possible convert though. It's definitely not the best in the series,
but Jimmy does a good job and the plot line keeps you interested even if it is
predictable. It's weaker than the first two episodes but better than "Home of the
Brave."
Now it's time for the post-show awards! Tonight's "Classic Scene" contest was a tough
one. The two main contenders were "the scene whose strength was based on Jimmy's two
lines" and "the scene where Jimmy slaps some sense into Lou, and Cody says 'Ain't no
maybe about it.'" This is a tough one, but tonight's "Classic Scene" winner is...
The scene where Jimmy slaps some sense into Lou, and Cody says "ain't no maybe about
it."
The first scene has two very good quotes from Jimmy, but I just love it when Jimmy
interrupts Lou's pessimism and pretty much shuts her up. I also like the way they had
Cody show up and let everyone know they made it back. The combination is enough to give
the scene a victory.
Next up is the "Sam-worthy quip" category. This was another tough one with some very
strong contenders. Each contestant could be the winner, but if I can only pick just one
then I'll have to go with...
Jimmy Hickok with, "The way I handle my problems is MY business. Unless you forget,
they're my friends too."
Very intense delivery. Lou had no business whining about Jimmy's actions, so this line
was perfect. Rather than wimping out and coddling to Lou's whining, Jimmy took a stand
and stopped her little whine-fest dead in its tracks. Bravo Jimmy, excellent job!
Reminds me of a time when I had the opportunity to use the line:
Mrs. Betts: Johnny, Brad's mom called and said that you knocked
him down after school today. Then I got another call from Andy's mom saying that you
knocked him down also, is this true?
Johnny: Yes ma'am.
Mrs. Betts: Why did you do that?
Johnny: They were mad because the teacher told me that I would
probably be a famous Internet writer one day with lots of fans, and so they made fun of
me.
Mrs. Betts: So you pushed them down?
Johnny: 'At's right.
Mrs. Betts: Well, is that any way to solve your problems? You
know, violence never solves anyt...
Johnny: The way I handle my problems is MY business. Unless you
forget, they're my friends too.
Mrs. Betts: They're your friends too? What in the world are you
talking about? And as long as you live under MY roof then the way you handle your
problems is indeed MY business, do you hear me young man?
Johnny: The only thing I hear is you trying to lay claim to a
roof on a house that dad pays for, so I don't see how it's YOUR roof. And besides, a man
sends someone to kill me; I make it my problem.
Mrs. Betts: What on earth are you babbling about? You go to your
room, and we'll discuss this further when your dad gets home.
They did indeed discuss it further, and the end result was not a pretty one for young
Johnny Betts. But never fear, dear reader, Johnny Betts will be redeemed in a future true
story, you can count on it.
Welp, that will just about do it. I don't really have a trivia question this week, but
e-mail me with some movies you've seen that are so bad they're funny. I watched Troll 2
this week and I can say without stuttering that it has the worst acting I have ever seen
in my life. I haven't seen U.S. Seals yet, but I doubt even it can be worse than Troll
2. If you haven't seen it, then keep an eye out in the video store for it. My wife and I
were laughing nonstop out of incredulity. So send your suggestions in, let me know what
cheesy movies I need to check out!
I'll end in the immortal words of my fellow Mad Lib (my band), Baker's Dozen: Don't get
a big head just because you won the Sonny Bell look-alike contest.
Remember folks, this is just my opinion, you could be wrong.
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