Volume 1, Issue 1
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What's wrong with this world?

What's Wrong With Drivers?

Fast Food Workers

People at Airports

Elevator Impatience

What's Wrong With Parents?

Truck Beds Aren't for Trash

Zen Gardens?

Checkout Lines

10 Items or Less

Bookstore Employees

Celebrity Cookware

Get a Job

Garage Sale Deals


   
What's Wrong With Beggars who Lie?
By Johnny Betts

Beggars. We've all been accosted by them at one time or another. If you work downtown like me then your chances of having constant contact with beggars are even greater. What's worse is that I have to park in a parking lot that is about 3 blocks from where I work.

Beggars are mainly a nuisance. Most times you can think up an excuse like, "I don't carry cash with me" and be on your way. But every now and then you'll find one that's pretty persistent. The worst is when one starts making up all sorts of obvious lies.

One day I had finished parking and was starting my trek to work. A few seconds later some black dude comes up to me and says, "Excuse me sir..." and well, I already knew where this was going. His wife comes running over there from the other end of the parking lot (he took the east side and she was working the west side I suppose). So dude starts blabbing about how they're from Milwaukee and they're just trying to get home. A real sob story. They had no gas, the radiator was broken, you know, the usual fare. Somewhere violin music played just a little too loudly.

So he points over to his car and I see license plates that were not Milwaukee license plates. Now that was my first sign that things weren't on the up and up. Then he says they have been stranded there for TWO days, ok, got that? Two days. Yep, since the radiator went out and they have no gas, they were just stranded. I've always been good at sniffing out a fishy story so I wiped away my tears and said sorry, but I don't have any cash, I only carry a credit card. Big mistake on my part because they start telling me they'll follow me to an ATM or anything, they just need some money.

They tell me they're not begging or anything like that. They'll show me ID, anything. So the woman shows me "her" driver's license, and looky there, it has Milwaukee on it. Never mind the fact that the picture looked nothing like her. In fact, that just might have been a Chinese woman on the driver's license now that I think about it. She says, "I know that doesn't look like me right now, but it is me." So I'm thinking, "That's you, huh? Before the plastic surgery I assume? Or did your appearance just change once you got to the States?"

So I ask what they need. They say "anything". They're just trying to get home; they have 200 miles to go. Milwaukee is only 200 miles from Memphis? Last time I checked it was more like SIX HUNDRED MILES! The least they could do if they're going to solicit Johnny Betts for money is get their facts straight.

So the dude keeps saying he's broke and needs gas money and money to get the radiator fixed so they can get home. Meanwhile, his wife is off to the side carrying on some of the worst overacting I've seen since yesterday's "Days of Our Lives".

So I told them that there are a lot of people who pass by the parking lot and pay for their parking and they'd probably have some cash. They finally realized that I wasn't going to budge, so they said that was ok and started to head back to their car. I decided I wouldn't let them go away completely empty-handed. Luckily I had an 8x10 with me. So I signed it, gave it to them, and bid them adieu.

I started my trek up to work when what do I see? There they go, driving by in the car that supposedly wouldn't start and that was supposedly stranded for two days! Man, I just have no patience for people like that. At least make your story believable! Put some effort behind it! Get the facts straight. Goodness. If you're going to beg and make up a story then at least have the decency to come up with something halfway believable. WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?!

That's one 8x10 I'll never get back. It'll probably pop up on Ebay soon.
Copyright 2002 Madlib Productions, All Rights Reserved

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