Volume 1, Issue 1

The Doorless Stall

What is The Doorless Stall?

Articles and Editorials
Johnny Betts' viewpoint on different facets of life

Email Pranks
What email pranks has Johnny been up to?

Johnny and Softball
How well is Johnny's softball season going?

Mister Sterling
Johnny Betts' take on Josh Brolin's new hit series "Mister Sterling."

Tandem Stories
Unconventional, Unpredictable, and Unexpected

The Rider Review
Johnny Betts' take on the TV Series "The Young Riders."

What's Wrong With People?
Read what gripes Johnny has with the human race.

Email Johnny with all your feedback

Sign My Guestbook
View My Guestbook


by Johnny Betts

April 17, 2003

New Stephen Baldwin movie to air on Sci-Fi channel

The movie is called "Silent Warnings" and it will air on the Sci-Fi channel on Saturday, May 3 at 8:00 PM Central. I wonder if the title is a SILENT WARNING that we should stay away from this movie??? Bwahahaha! No, seriously, check it out. It sounds pretty interesting, even if it does sound somewhat similar to "Signs." But hey, "Signs" was a great movie, so it's not a bad one to emulate. Be warned, the "Silent Warnings" page does contain some possible spoiler information within the synopsis, so read at your own discretion.

Who wrote that synopsis though? "Vertiginous fluidity"? Who talks like that? And Billy Zane plays a "fresh and utterly non-clichéd depiction of a small-town sheriff"? I can't wait to watch the movie and report on how clichéd Billy Zane's character was.

April 4, 2003

"Then There Was One"

Well folks, I finally finished the "Then There Was One" review, and I must say I'm very happy with the results. I think you will be too. As you may or may not remember, this episode reveals that Teaspoon was an Alamo "survivor." Here are just a few things you'll see in the review:

  1. An introduction to the new Young Rider magazine - Rider Beat! You might be surprised at who made the front cover.
  2. More screenshots w/captions than ever before.
  3. A YR trivia question, oooooooh.
  4. A revelation of what disease Teaspoon's been having problems with.
  5. Do y'all remember back in the Matched Pair episode when I received a broken baseball bat in the mail? Well tune in to the review to read the exciting conclusion!
I hope you dig it, let me know.

March 6, 2003

The "Human Error" Review of Mister Sterling is Published, Likely Won't affect Whether the Show is Renewed or Not

It's funny, you know it, so go read it. It's the Mister Sterling review of "Human Error." Check out what Josh would look like standing toe-to-toe with the WWE's Big Show.

February 7, 2003

The "Man Behind the Badge" Review is Published, History Not Affected

It's been a while, but the "Man Behind the Badge" Review is now available for your reading pleasure. I even forsook the Sterling Review this week (I'll play catch up later) so I could deliver what I know y'all hold most dear.

Stephanie returns with a few comments, plus you get to see a picture of Stephanie and me dressed in our Old West garb. Enjoy.

January 31, 2003

Johnny Writes the Next Mister Sterling Review, Most of America Couldn't Care Less

The Sterling Review of "Game Time" is now available for your reading pleasure. Ever wondered what Josh Brolin would look like as Superman? Check out the review and you'll find out.

A couple of of concerned readers have indicated that you're worried that now that I'm reviewing "Mister Sterling" I'll neglect the Rider Reviews. Well never fear, it won't happen. I've already started on the "Man Behind the Badge" review, and I'm planning on doing the Rider Reviews in conjunction with the Sterling Reviews. You can see how quickly I'm finishing the Sterling Reviews, so I feel this is going to result in faster Rider Reviews. That's right, I could be reeling out RRs every two or three weeks! Everybody goes home happy.

January 24, 2003

Johnny Keeps up the Frenetic Mister Sterling Pace!

Mister Sterling I've done two Mister Sterling reviews in TWO weeks! I can't believe it either, and I don't know how long this rapid pace will last. Enjoy it while you can. Go read the "Next Question" review and prepare yourself for tonight's episode.

January 17, 2003

The TV Revolution Has Begun - Mister Sterling's a Hit!

Read all about it in the Sterling Review. So let's see, Josh's show is winning its timeslot, he wooed the ladies on The View, his appearance on Jay Leno was very funny, he's a presenter at the Golden Globes, he's appeared on Hardball with Chris Matthews ... yep, the Josh Brolin TV Takeover has begun. And so has the Josh Brolin/Mister Sterling bandwagon. I built the Josh Brolin bandwagon about 14 years ago. If you're gonna jump on then you better do it now.

January 6, 2003

The Josh Brolin TV Revolution

Welp, Stephanie just made my day. She did a search for "Josh Brolin" on TV Guide's website and called to tell me the good news - Josh will be on Jay Leno on Thursday, January 16. But that's not the best news. "How can it possibly get better, Johnny?" Good question. And the simple answer is CATHERINE ZETA-JONES IS GONNA BE ON THE SAME NIGHT!!!!!!!!!! Holy cow. Josh Brolin AND CZJ on the same night. Unbelievable. I just wet my pants.

All right, I'm back from changing my pants. Yes, I keep an extra pair of pants at work for such happenings. Now, I would prefer that Josh be on Letterman or Conan, but hey, I won't complain too loudly. Leno does have good ratings; it's just too bad he's not all that funny and can't interview, but JOSH BROLIN AND CATHERINE ZETA-JONES ARE ON THE SAME SHOW TOGETHER SO I'M WILLING TO LOOK PAST IT!

But that's not all Josh is gonna be on. Check out this schedule:

Friday, January 10 10:00 AM Central Check Local Listings The View -- I'm not a fan of the show (come on, name one person who can look at Star Jones for more than 20 seconds straight), but I'll have my VCR programmed. I guess they figure they gotta try to grab the "40-50 year old women who have no choice but to sit at home and watch TV on a Friday night" demographic.

Friday, January 10 2:00 PM Central Sci-Fi Outer Limits -- Josh plays some brilliant scientist (just throw glasses on him and watch him transform from jock to scientist in the blink of an eye) who discovers something within some virtual reality game or whatever that unlocks some sort of secret to time travel. Or something. Whatever. It's been a while since I've seen the episode so the details are sketchy. But despite the hokey-sounding premise, it's actually a good episode. The Sci-Fi channel is obviously trying to cash in on the Mister Sterling hype.

Friday, January 10 7:00 PM Central NBC MISTER STERLING! It's the series premiere. Check it out. BOOYA! I shouldn't get too excited. With my luck it'll be cancelled by the 4th episode. Sigh. But let's enjoy it while we can. Check out Zap2It's Mister Sterling Page for some new video clips (including behind-the-scene footage).

Friday, January 16 2:00 PM Central NBC Jay Leno. At least they plan on the show lasting for more than a week, so that's cool.

All right folks, this is it. It's prime time. Josh is getting plenty of exposure, and if Mister Sterling's a hit then expect people to start typing "Mister Sterling" into ye olde search engine, and expect a good number of those people to find my website because of that. I don't think it's entirely out of the realm of possibility to keep an eye out for me on a future "Mister Sterling" episode. It could happen. I'm gonna ride this wave while it's ebbin', baby. Hmm, I guess that should be "flowin'" but with my luck it'll probably be ebbin'. Oh well, AT LEAST I'LL HAVE MY SURFBOARD AND BE OUT IN THE WATER! All right, enough of the stupid metaphors. My apologies. If we're all lucky then ya'll will soon be able to say, "I knew Johnny back when he was just writing the Rider Reviews." And when somebody asks, "Was that before or after he did those TV movies with Joanna Kerns?" you can say, "Before." Then they'll nod and make one of those faces that simply says, "Impressive."

But before I jump the gun let me end with a simple prayer: Dear Lord, please let me live until at least 11:35 PM January 16. Living another 50 or 60 years after that would be good too. Amen.

December 31, 2002

End 2002 and Begin 2003 on a Good Note - Matched Pair

Want to end the year on a high note? Want to begin 2003 with a smile on your face? Well then head on over to the "Matched Pair" review and see who decided to help out Johnny with the review. This is a highly anticipated review, so hurry up and read it now!

December 19, 2002

"Mister Sterling" - The Excitement Builds

We're less than a month away from the premiere of Josh Brolin's new show, "Mister Sterling," and excitement is already starting to grow. The commercials for the show seem very promising, and the L.A. Daily has already given the pilot a good review. And we already know that Young Riders fans all over the world are on the edge of their seats. Quite frankly, America's fascination with Mister Sterling is turning into a cultural phenomenon.

The other day Stephanie said to me, "Can I share a secret with you?" I was reading Larry McMurtry's "Streets of Laredo" at the moment, but I didn't mind putting it down to hear what Stephanie's secret was. "Sure," I said, "what is it?" Like a little school girl she sheepishly replied, "I'm excited about 'Mister Sterling.'" Let me tell you, I was so proud of her. We hugged, high-fived, shared a few tears together ... well, we didn't do all that, but we did have a good laugh about it as we sat there secure in the knowledge that Josh as Mister Sterling could turn TV as we know it on its ear.

And then today a friend of mine left me a voice mail saying that she had been seeing some previews for the "new Josh Brolin show" and said she wanted to talk to me about her "excitement level" of Josh being on TV again. It's snowballin', folks. Sure, maybe I only have proof that a handful of people are excited about the show, but who knows, the majority of America just might have January 10 marked on their calendar.

So I just want to say right here and right now that I'm officially starting the "Mister Sterling" bandwagon. Jump on it if you like, be ran over by it if you don't like.

For more info regarding "Mister Sterling," including a behind-the-scenes video, check out NBC's "Mister Sterling" page.

In other news, Johnny Betts' Arizona Outlaws will play The Jack's Tennessee Tarantulas in a Yahoo Fantasy Football Championship game this weekend. "It's pretty amazing that out of 10 teams in our league, the two of us would end up facing each other in the championship game," said Betts. "We've been friends for about 8 years, but the only thing we'll be on that field this weekend is rivals. My Outlaw's already beat his Tarantulas earlier this season, but we figured we didn't do a good enough job the first time around. This time there will be NO mercy. It'll pretty much be an all-day butt-kickin'." Johnny Betts has taunted The Jack by leaving sound clips of "We Will Rock You" on his voice mail. The Jack is not at work this week and was unavailable for comment.

December 12, 2002

It's Brett Cullen Week!

Brett Cullen fans have the opportunity to see him on primetime television twice in the next 4 days.

He will first appear on NBC's "Without a Trace" TONIGHT at 9:00 PM Central (10:00 PM Eastern). Check out the WAT website for more details and a video preview. Unfortunately, Ty Miller will not be appearing with Brett on this episode. It's been my daily dream that they would appear in the same episode and Brett would refer to Ty as "kid" at least once, but alas, twas not meant to be. Dreams die hard and we watch them erode. But you know, when you think about it, you cannot be denied ... the fire inside. At least that's what Bob Seger says.

Don't forget to watch C.S.I. before "Without a Trace." C.S.I. is the best show on TV right now, plain and simple.

Then catch Brett again on Sunday in the Nancy Drew movie. It's on ABC at 6:00 PM Central (7:00 PM Eastern). Brett plays Nancy Drew's father. Nancy Drew is played by Maggie Lawson. She's not a big name in the business, but she's cute. It looks like the cast consists largely of unknowns, except for James Avery. That's right, UNCLE PHIL from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" is on the show! BOOYA! Do you think Will Smith will have a cameo where he shows up, pats Uncle Phil on the belly, and says, "Well, at least we know this ain't the mystery of who ate the leftovers"??? Nah, probably not.

For more information check out the official Brett Cullen website.

December 3, 2002

A Real-Life DiGiorno Testimonial

Y'all have seen those DiGiorno commercials, right? Somebody buys a DiGiorno pizza, serves it at a party, and then all his friends come up to him and say things like "Hey, you ordered pizza!" Dude tries to explain that he bought it at the store, but no one can supposedly tell the difference. Stephanie and I have always made fun of these commercials. I always say, "Yeah right, like anybody would be saying that."

Welp, I must take back all the mean things I've said about the DiGiorno pizza commercials. Stephanie picked up a DiGiorno pizza the other day, and we had it for supper last night. I took a couple of pieces to work for lunch today. My friend also brought pizza for lunch, but he brought thin crust Papa John's. When he saw MY pizza he said, "Wow, you brought the good stuff. What's that, Pizza Hut?" Without even thinking I replied, "No, it's DiGiorno." I immediately realized that our conversation sounded like it came straight out of a DiGiorno commercial. I don't think it's stretching it to say that this was a life-altering moment.

December 3, 2002

"Bulldog" Review

If you don't have anything better to do, then you can try reading the Rider Review of "Bulldog." Chances are you DO have something better to do, but come on, read the review anyway. What's it gonna hurt? I've heard that it's really funny. I've also heard that I talk in my sleep though, so take that for what it's worth.

November 6, 2002

"Daddy's Girl" Review

The "Daddy's Girl" review has actually been posted for over a week. I've just been too lazy to update the main page. Go ahead and read it if you haven't already. This review features an appearance by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

October 7, 2002

End of Innocence Review, Johnny Betts as Duster

The "End of Innocence" review was originally written during December 2001 and January 2002, but I'm FINALLY getting around to placing it on The Doorless Stall. This review is important because it contains a picture of me, Johnny Betts, wearing the shirt that Josh Brolin wore in "Slow Burn." It's important to note that the shirt's a little looser on Josh than it is on me. Maybe I'll teach Josh my pyramid push-up routine. These pecs don't happen by accident, you know!

Also, I've finally posted a picture of Lt. "No Pupils" Cassidy, so go CHECK IT OUT!

September 27, 2002

I Must've Blinked the First Time

Ty Miller wasn't just shuckin' corn when he said that if you blinked then you might miss his brief appearance last night on CBS's new show, "Without a Trace." I was working out while watching the show, so I must've looked down to pick up a weight during Ty's part because I missed it the first time around. Once the show ended I thought Ty's footage must be resting comfortably on the cutting room floor.

I was already coming up with cute little titles like, "No TRACE of Ty to be Found." But alas, I taped the show just in case I sneezed and missed Ty's triumphant return to the airwaves. And boy am I glad I did.

Ty played some sort of computer guy. His hair was flat and short, and he wore glasses (further enforcing the stereotype that people who work with computers are just a bunch of flat-haired dorks who wear glasses). A girl was suspected of being kidnapped and Ty, who wasn't mentioned by name, was apparently in charge of investigating her computer. Ty had to tell Jack Malone, played by Emmy winner Anthony LaPaglia, what he found out. Here's how the conversation broke down:

Ty the Computer Guy: Jack!  Her hard drive was completely reformatted two weeks ago. Except for her recent emails, her entire Internet history has been wiped out.

Jack: Why?

Ty the Computer Guy: I don't know, but it was done here.

And then Ty was gone from the scene ... much too soon. It would've been PERFECT if after Ty's last line you heard the famous "DUHN DUHN DUHN" music that always indicates something strange is afoot. I must give Ty credit, he delivered his lines FLAWLESSLY and didn't trip or anything while he was walking out of the scene. It may a bit too early to start a letter writing campaign declaring that he win an Emmy for "Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series," but it's safe to say that his appearance was a complete success.

You might want to keep an eye on future episodes because there's always a chance that Ty's character might be needed for more computer analysis. It's interesting to note that the director of "Without a Trace," David Nutter, also directed Ty in Trancers 4 and 5 and in the "X-Files" episode that Ty appeared in ("Shapes"). So it looks like there's a good chance that Ty could show up in some future episodes. Come on producers, give the guy a few more lines! Give him some scenery to chew on!

As long as Ty's character doesn't say something like, "I used a reverse algorithm to save her encrypted data to the A: drive and then extract the needed information," then he should be all right.

Do y'all realize that The Doorless Stall is probably the first website to include a detailed review of Ty Miller's appearance on "Without a Trace"? That's what makes this site so unique. The Doorless Stall -- Bringing You Information That Nobody Else Would Even Think to Bring to You. By the way, Ty's scene lasted all of 9 seconds. But it's all about quality, not quantity. Like they say, there are no small parts...

This reminds me of the time on that episode of "Growing Pains" where Mike landed a small part on the show "New York Heat." At least Ty's lines weren't cut like poor Mike's were. But I can picture YR fans all across the country stationed in front of the TV screen, eating popcorn, and then cheering wildly when TY MILLER appeared on screen for 9 seconds. Young Riders fans, we're a weird bunch. But you gotta love us for it.

September 26, 2002

C.S.I's Season Premiere, Ty Miller on TV

What I'll be Watching Tonight. Tonight is the season premiere of the best FIRST-RAN show currently on TV, C.S.I. It should've won the Emmy for Best Drama instead of the overrated Left Wing and its big-headed star, Martin Sheen. Oh well, at least I'm not bitter. C.S.I. comes on tonight on CBS at 8:00 PM Central (9:00 PM Eastern).

After that I'll be tuning into CBS's new show, "Without a Trace." It has something to do with a task force that tries to find kidnapped people. Fans of The Young Riders may want to tune in for a special cameo appearance. As first reported on The Express Station Message Board, Ty Miller (known as the Kid on the best TV show OF ALL TIME, "The Young Riders") makes a special "cameo" appearance on tonight's episode. It's not the same as having your own show like the multi-talented Josh Brolin ("Mister Sterling"), but I'm sure all three Ty Miller fans in the world will enjoy the appearance. Check back here to get my full report of Ty's return to episodic television. "Without a Trace" premieres tonight on CBS at 9:00 Central (10:00 PM Eastern).

I'll also be watching "The Jamie Kennedy Experiment." It's a hilarious hidden camera show that's much better than "Candid Camera." My favorite character is B-rad, a white wannabe rapper who hails from the dangerous streets of Malibu. It comes on the WB. Check your local listings for the time. I think it's 8:00 PM Central (9:00 Eastern) in most places, but Memphis is weird and shows it at 12:07 AM. All the WB shows come on our ABC affiliate after 11:00 PM. For some reason the WB doesn't have its own channel in Memphis. As B-rad might say, "What's the dizzealio wit dat?"

What I Watched Last Night. Stephanie and I went to my friend's house and watched some really cheesy movies, including another Michael Pare stinker, "Lunarcop," aka "Solar Force." I think it would've taken a SOLAR FORCE to keep my food down while sitting through this tripe. You'd think that any movie co-starring Billy Drago would be a sure winner, but even the acting sensation that is BILLY DRAGO couldn't save this flop. Granted, I cried when Michael Pare found out that his love interest (some "actress" you've never heard of) was a cyborg and had to be terminated. I must admit that I didn't exactly cry because of the emotional pull of that scene, no, I cried because at that moment it occurred to me that an hour and a half of my life had just vanished before my very eyes and there was NOTHING I could do to get it back. It's really amazing how an hour and a half Michael Pare movie ALWAYS seems like it's at least 3 hours long. Didn't matter to Stephanie, she slept through the whole thing. Must've been nice.

What I Watched Tuesday Night. Y'all already know I was gonna watch "Smallville" and "Haunted." Both shows were good. Well, I expected quality from "Smallville," but the jury was still out on "Haunted." But I was pleased with the show and will continue to watch it. Matthew Fox, formerly Charlie Salinger from "Party of Five," was good (although not "Josh Brolin good"), and it had some genuinely creepy moments. To keep up the creepiness factor the show should have Neve Campbell guest star as Julia Salinger and just have her be her typical WAINCHY self. You wouldn't even need ghosts for that episode. My apologies to anyone who never watched "Party of Five" and has no clue what I'm talking about.

September 24, 2002

The New TV Season is Here

What I'll be Watching Tonight. Welp, the new Fall season is upon us and there are some new shows that I'll be checking out. Frequently check TDS for all the information on which shows to watch and which ones to stay away from. Of course, I'll watch the season premiere of Smallville tonight, but the new show I'm gonna check out is "Haunted." It stars Matthew Fox (Charlie Salinger from "Party of Five") and has something to do with a detective who sees dead people. It's supposed to be pretty creepy, so I'll give it a look.

I'm hoping it does pretty well and that Matthew Fox becomes popular again. Why? Because some of my sister's friends used to tell me that I looked a little like Matthew Fox, and I want attention like that again! How cool would it be if Scott Wolf (Bailey from "Party of Five") guest-starred on the show and one of the episodes dealt with Matthew Fox's character being visited by the dead Salinger parents? Would that be the mother of all inside jokes or what?

What I Watched Last Night. The new show I watched last night was "CSI: Miami." It was good. It's not as good as the original "CSI" though. I like William Peterson more than David Caruso, and Marg Helgenberger is hotter than Kim Delaney. But it's off to a good start. As long as they don't show David Caruso naked then it should be fine.

What I Won't Be Watching Under Any Circumstances. I'll have to say that the preview for "Good Morning, Miami" is quite possibly the dumbest preview for a TV show that I have ever seen. This show has the potential to be one of the worst non-UPN shows to come along in quite awhile. Good NIGHT, Miami, and welcome to early cancellation.

September 18, 2002

Stephen Baldwin on "Night Visions," The "A Good Day to Die" Review is added to TDS

Night Visions. This show originally aired on Fox during the summer of 2001. In this episode, Stephen Baldwin plays a musician who is rescued from an angry creditor by some psycho woman. Check it out TONIGHT on the Sci-Fi channel at 6:00 PM Central (7:00 PM Eastern).

A Good Day to Die. The review of "A Good Day to Die" has been added to TDS. I originally wrote this review in December of 2001 for the Riders Coming website. Now it's got pictures and captions and even some updated statements from yours truly. Check it out. This should tide everybody over until the release of the "Daddy's Girl" review.

August 23, 2002

The "False Colors" Review is added to TDS, The Betts Have Dinner with High School Friend

False Colors. The review of "False Colors" is quite simply an inspired piece of writing. Not only do you get to read the actual review, but you also get to follow a plot throughout the review. It seems Gabe Calder wasn't happy with some of Johnny's comments about him in the "Ten-Cent Hero" review, so he's returned to exact some revenge on Johnny. This review also contains an excellent twist on Johnny's "Gunfighter" poem, and provides evidence that might indicate that Ty Miller is working at a hotel. READ IT NOW! Or if you read it when it was originally on the Rider's Coming site then go look at the pictures.

A Night at Abbey's. Exactly one week ago today, Johnny and Stephanie dined in the Midtown house of Johnny's high school friend, Abbey Rhodes. Also attending the dinner were various members of Abbey's family and their friends/significant others. The appearance of Johnny and Abbey's high school classmate, Michael Less, virtually made this outing a mini-high school reunion.

Dinner consisted of various vegetables (spinach in a squash boat, salad) and some very good chicken that may or may not have been an Emeril Lagasse recipe (the rumor was never confirmed). The conversation was dominated by the males who were trying to drown out the sounds of Carly Simon blasting through the stereo. When Abbey asked what everybody thought of her music selection, one dinner attendee, David, responded with, "We've only tried to turn it down 3 or 4 times now." Ever the good sport, Abbey "accidentally" landed an elbow to the side of David's head. Ever one for exaggeration, Johnny made up that last part to spice things up.

Following dinner was an impromptu fashion show by Abbey. She had a wedding to go to the next day and sought everybody's opinion on which dress she should wear. Most the guys, being of the opinion that "all those black dresses look the same," took advantage of the opportunity to see a girl prancing around in different dresses, but Johnny Betts did his best to sincerely help and cast his vote for the dress that was eventually chosen.

A major revelation came near the end of the evening when Michael, a mild-mannered guy in high school, revealed that he watches wrestling. This revelation came when Abbey's cat lifted up her paw to catch a bug. Michael exclaimed, "IT'S BOOKER T!" prompting a wrestling conversation between Johnny and Michael. Abbey was left asking why they couldn't watch normal stuff. This led to a conversation about Stephanie's obsession with watching every horrible Michael Pare movie that goes straight-to-video in Prague.

The highlight of the evening came when Abbey (a new reader of The Doorless Stall) asked Johnny about his "strange obsession" with Josh Brolin. Johnny explained the whole "Young Riders thing" and helped clear up any confusion. Abbey then referred to Josh as "so hot" not once, but TWICE! She then further climbed a few notches on the ladder of coolness when she ACTUALLY MENTIONED "SLOW BURN!!!!!" She hasn't seen it yet, but holy cow, she's heard of it!

Knowing that nothing would be able to top that, Johnny and Stephanie decided to head on into the good night. And they took more than just full stomachs with them -- they took memories. *sniff*

August 16, 2002

The "Ten-Cent Hero" Review is added to TDS

"Ten-Cent Hero" is one of my favorite Young Riders episodes, and I'm happy to report that the review has now been added to TDS. I wrote the review over a year ago, but until now hadn't moved it from the Riders Coming site. This review offers tag line suggestions for YOUR Young Riders page, it gives you a visual of what happens when Kid smarts-off to Johnny, and it explains how this episode is a unique Young Riders/Wonder Years/Parker Lewis Can't Lose crossover, the likes of which had never been seen before and hasn't been seen since. Check it out.

August 7, 2002

Johnny's Latest Recommendations

How sad is it when the most exciting thing that happens during your workday is a bird flying into a window? It happened a few minutes ago, and boy was it a nice departure from my regular schedule. I figure some of you are in the same boat, so maybe a few recommendations by yours truly will give you something to be excited about. Signs

Movies. I saw two movies this weekend that I highly recommend: "Insomnia" and "Signs." I would go into great detail about each of these movies, but I've provided links to their homepages, so if you're interested you can go check 'em out. I will say that "Signs" is one of the creepiest movies I've seen in a while. It's got a very good plot, very good suspense, and there's a good bit of humor thrown in as well. I liked it even better than "The Sixth Sense." Mel Gibson is one of a few actors who produces a solid movie just about every time, and he pulls through again.

The other movie we saw was "Insomnia." It's by the same guy (Christopher Nolan) who directed "Memento," which is another must-see. "Insomnia" has a very good plot and good suspense. And the Alaskan atmosphere is awesome. I really need to take a trip there one of these days. Don't let the fact that Robin Williams is in this movie keep you from seeing it. For the most part, I CANNOT stand Robin Williams. He's quite simply one of the most annoying actors of all time, but he was actually bearable this time around. I must warn you, if you just want to go into the theater and check your brain at the door and not have to follow a plot, then this may not be the movie for you.

Music. I'm not a HUGE fan of Bruce Springsteen. I like some of his songs, but when it comes to Bruce I'm pretty much a "greatest hits" type of guy. But I must say that his new album, "The Rising," is a very good CD. This is actually the first Bruce Springsteen album I've ever bought. I've usually been content to borrow my sister's "Greatest Hits" CD, but "The Rising" was actually good enough for *me* to go out and buy. Folks, I buy maybe 3 or 4 new CDs a year, so that should tell you something about how well-defined my tastes are. Check it out.

July 30, 2002

The "Black Ulysses" Review is Now on TDS

This is the review with Johnny's interview with "Kid." This review inspired the funniest angry response yet from a Kid fan. Somebody thought Johnny actually interviewed Ty Miller and was mean to him. They posted on a Ty Miller message board saying that Johnny was a "rude abnoxious jerk" who needed to be "punced" in the nose. That's just hilarious.

The "Black Ulysses" review is over a year old, but it's never been transferred from the Riders Coming site to The Doorless Stall. Welp, the transfer is now complete. Check it out and find out what caused one Kid fan to get all riled up. And if you've read the review before then you'll want to check it out to see the brand new pictures with captions. Of course, if you've read this review before then you're welcome to read it again. Unlike fruits and vegetables, the reviews stay fresh.

July 26, 2002

Johnny Takes Care of Some "Unfinished Business"

A new review in just 16 days? Will this rapid pace ever stop??? One thing is for sure: the comedy and hilarity sure hasn't stopped. Johnny's as hard-hitting as ever in the review of "Unfinished Business." What kind of trouble is Johnny stirring up now? Check out the review and find out.

July 11, 2002

The First Image of Josh as Mister Sterling

Mister Sterling

July 10, 2002

Johnny Takes on "Lady For a Night"

Kid and his hero Johnny is back with an all-new and absolutely hilarious Rider Review. In "Lady For a Night" Johnny takes on Lou and her inexplicable infatuation with a 50-year-old beater of women. Plus, when exactly did Kid take gymnastic lessons? Johnny also takes on a couple of Kid fans who tried their best at knocking him down a peg or two. It's another hard-hitting review that will keep you laughing for ... well, for a few minutes at least. Call friends, families, and neighbors and tell them what the whole world is telling each other, "THE NEW RIDER REVIEW IS HERE! CHECK IT OUT!"

July 2, 2002

The Betts and Friends Suffer Through TWO Michael Pare Movies

I don't know how we did it, but Stephanie, my friend (The Jack) and his wife, and I all sat through two Michael Pare movies in one night. And believe me, it wasn't an easy feat.

Killing Streets Things started off with "Killing Streets," a maladorous waste of celluloid that co-starred Lorenzo Lamas with a HORRIBLY FAKE Southern accent. "Whatchu doin' here, boyeee?" The moment he uttered his first line all four of us burst out in laughter. Check out this plot:

A young Marine (Michael Pare) is kidnapped by terrorists in Lebanon. His twin brother (Michael Pare), frustrated at his inability to get any kind of information from the government about his brother's plight, travels to Lebanon with a plan for his own rescue operation.

I'm not making that up. What's worse is that the second brother that Pare portrays is a basketball coach. So basically a high school basketball coach and his Lebanese cab driver take on a huge armed-to-the-teeth terrorist group. I just love at the end of the movie when one of the terrorists is holding a grenade in one hand and Pare #1 in the other. All of a sudden we hear the sound of a basketball being dribbled in slow motion. Then Pare #1 drops to the ground and Pare #2 blows away the terrorist. When Pare #1 asks Pare #2 how he knew which way he'd duck, Pare #2 responds with, "In basketball you always fake left and go right." Again, I am NOT making this up.

The Dangerous The other movie we suffered through is "The Dangerous." It co-stars Robert Davi and *snicker* Paula Barbieri. That probably tells you all you need to know. I just don't understand why Paula (whose character name was also Paula, that probably made life easier on her) couldn't deliver a single line fluently. "What ... are ... you ... doing?" JUST ACT LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A REAL LIFE CONVERSATION! Goodness. You're not even going to believe me when I tell you I'm not making up this plot line:

Brother and sister Ninja warriors get revenge for their sister's death by killing the drug dealers in New Orleans. The police enlist the help of a biker warrior to solve the crime. The head drug dealer stirs the pot even further by hiring Cajun warriors to kill those he believes are responsible for the deaths of his dealers.

Does that sound like a real winner or what? Most the rest of the cast consisted of people who have appeared on at least one episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. Things got off to an excellent start when I took the movie out of the case and it looked like a store-bought video. It had a sticker on it with a hand-written label that said something about the video being replaced. It wasn't rewound all the way either. We joked that that was as far in the movie as the last people got and they just stopped the tape and hurried up and took it back. Paying the rewind fee would probably be worth it. When I tried to rewind it, it wouldn't work.

Turns out that the tape had been cut or torn and someone tried to put it back together with scotch tape. Against our better judgement we fooled around with it until we were able to rewind it and watch the movie. God was sending us a message. We should've listened. Once the movie was over I realized that somebody was obviously trying to cut out portions of the movie to try to piece together some sort of plot. Nice try, but it didn't work.

June 18, 2002

Johnny Betts - Softball Hero, Dead Awake

Johnny leads his softball team to victory. In what is being described by some as "the single-most impressive individual performance in the history of softball," Johnny Betts completely dominated Game 5 and led the Maroon to victory. We only wish we had videos to sell of the performance. Luckily, you can read all about the action right here.

Dead Awake Stephen Baldwin's "Dead Awake." Stephanie and I rented Stephen Baldwin's latest movie, "Dead Awake," this past weekend and finally got around to watching it last night. We were surprised to find that it's actually a decent little movie. Stephen plays an ingenious marketing executive who also suffers from insomnia. Since he can't sleep at night he decides to walk the streets. One fateful night he witnesses a murder and this triggers a series of twists and turns that further complicate his life. The biggest shock of the movie was when he refused a friend's advice to "watch some Ty Miller movies to try to put you to sleep." The movie actually has a plot and doesn't rely on women taking off their clothes every two minutes (a staple in most straight-to-video movies). It's also got a mix of plot twists, dark humor, and weirdness. It's worth the rental. This movie is even better if you watch it after sitting through two horrible Michael Pare movies.

June 11, 2002


It's here folks, and rumor has it that it might possibly be the hardest hitting review yet. Johnny bars no holds and pulls no punches, but what else would you expect from a Kid episode? What kind of pajamas did Kid most likely wear? What kind of wakeup call did Johnny receive when he was in school? Why did one of Johnny's professors threaten to call security once? The answer to these and many of life's other questions can be found in the Rider Review of ... DUHN DUHN DUHN ... "Hard Time."

June 7, 2002

Maroon Suffers Heartbreaking Defeat

Johnny's softball team loses AGAIN. A heroic comeback fell just a little short for the Maroon team. Johnny, however, showed his ability to single-handedly take over a game. Don't neglect to check up on how Johnny performed in Game 4.

May 30, 2002

What's Wrong With Drivers?, Maroon's Softball Game Cancelled

What's Wrong With Drivers? Johnny's back with an all-new "What's Wrong With People?" segment, and this time he wants to know WHAT'S WRONG WITH DRIVERS?

Sotball Game Cancelled. Rather than racking up a softball victory, Johnny Betts and his Maroon team had to stay at home and watch the rain fall instead. There will be a make-up game later in the season.

May 22, 2002

"Fall From Grace" Rider Review Published, Maroon Falls to Defeat

Fall From Grace Review. Hurry up and read the "Fall From Grace" review. It'll help you make it through the day. In this review you'll find more interpretations of Ike's sign, a cool picture of Johnny's grandfather, and explanations of a handful of plot holes. Be cool, read the review.

Johnny's softball team falls to defeat. Johnny's team might have lost, but that didn't prevent Johnny from showcasing his defensive prowess. Read all about Johnny's Game 3 heroics.

May 16, 2002


In a much-anticipated Employee vs. Boss matchup, Johnny Betts' Maroon team was able to pick up a crucial softball victory on Tuesday night. Game 2 represented a vast improvement over the disappointing Game 1 loss. Johnny had an excellent game as he increased his stats in most categories. Read all about it in the game summary.

May 13, 2002

"Bad Blood" Review Added, Softball Season Starts

Bad Blood Review. The "Update All Old Rider Reviews With Pictures and Captions" project is still going strong. The "Bad Blood" review is the latest review to undergo a facelift. Give it a look.

Let the Games Begin. Johnny's softball season has begun. Game 1 didn't go very well for Johnny's team, but that wasn't due to a lack of effort on Johnny's part. Check the softball pages for game summaries and Johnny's updated statistics. Johnny's games are on Tuesdays and will last until July 2 (unless his team miraculously makes it to the playoffs). Tomorrow's game is against Navy. Johnny's not 100% certain, but he thinks his boss may play on the Navy team. If so, then this will most certainly be a battle of epic proportions. Who will win in this classic struggle of Employee vs. Boss?? Stay tuned...

May 9, 2002

Stephanie Writes Bon Jovi Parody, The Betts Watch Horrible Michael Pare Movie

Stephanie's Parody. Stephanie has written a parody of Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer." It's called "Living With Big Hair," and you can look at it as a tribute to all the great "hair bands" of the 80s. It's in the Articles and Editorials section, so check it out.

Yet another putrid Michael Pare movie. Welp, against her better judgement, Stephanie bought Michael Pare's latest bomb on DVD the other day. This dreadful little movie is entitled "The Debt" and co-stars Lorenzo Lamas. You know you're in for trouble when a newly released DVD costs ONLY $5.88 and stars Michael Pare AND Lorenzo Lamas.

We knew we were in for a stink-fest, so we invited a couple of friends over and made an evening of it. How bad was the movie? It was horrible. It would be in my "Top 5 Worst Movies" list, but I've seen more than 5 Michael Pare movies, so that makes it harder to judge. It was pretty bad even by Michael Pare standards though, so it's definitely high on the list. What makes this movie even worse is that everybody made it seem like they were trying. Some highlights:

  1. The bright beam of light coming from Lamas' refrigerator. I have no idea what that was about. Either the Heavenly Host was hanging out in his fridge, or he had a pair of headlights in there.
  2. Pare, who is playing some bookie-type bad guy, has a strong-arm (i.e. a bodyguard/enforcer) that has no muscle tone, a pot belly, is about 60 years old, and wears some outfit that you'd expect your grandpa to wear while on vacation in Florida. They couldn't get somebody that fit the role? Come on.
  3. In one scene, after Pare has hit Lamas in the face, the strong-arm says to Lamas, "It looks like you just drank sour milk." I'll have to remember to use that one at work sometime.
  4. While visiting his dad in the hospital, Lamas actually says to him, "I hear you took a turn for the nurse." Whew.
  5. Lamas' dad's arm got cut off when it was caught in a printer. I can't even begin to describe how fake it looked when they showed where it was cut. And the length of the remaining part of his arm kept fluctuating throughout the movie. The best was when you could see the elbow poking out through dude's shirt. Wait a minute! I thought he lost his arm! What's going on here?!?!?
  6. The vocals would fade in and out. Sounded like a warped tape. Many times you couldn't hear the vocals and other times they'd be bursting your ear drums.
  7. The production values are about what you'd expect from a 1970 made-for-TV movie.
  8. The tagline on the DVD reads, "No one escapes THIS collection service."
I could go on and on and on, but I think you get the point. If you like to watch really bad movies for a laugh, then this one might satisfy your appetite. It's best to watch it with some friends though so y'all can make fun of it together. I definitely couldn't have sat through this alone.

May 6, 2002

Johnny Rants on Fast Food Employees

I've always had problems with inept fast food employees, but I was pushed over the edge this weekend. Something has to be said. It's about time someone asked, WHAT'S WRONG WITH FAST FOOD EMPLOYEES?!?!?!

April 30, 2002

"The Keepsake" Rider Review Published

The Rider Review for "The Keepsake" HAS BEEN POSTED! Find out what Johnny has to say about Gary Ewing, Amanda O'Connell, Ike's pouting and sign language, and Cody's comic relief. What were Jimmy and Cody really laughing about at the dance? Were the riders really digging a hole for a well, or were they planning on burying something else? It's all in... THE RIDER REVIEW!

April 29, 2002

Johnny Betts Forced to Post That the Betts Bought a New Bedroom Suite

Despite Johnny's contention that, "no one wants to hear about our furniture," he has been convinced to treat a recent bedroom suite purchase as breaking news. The purchase came on Saturday afternoon at Royal Furniture during a 6-hour sale that occurs only twice a year. The set includes a sleigh bed, a drawer, a chest/armoire, and a nightstand. It is oak. "This was the best deal we found of all the new furniture we looked at," said Stephanie Betts, "I really like the set, it'll look nice in our home." "Whatever she's happy with," said Johnny, "I've got a review to finish."

April 24, 2002

Johnny Betts Beats the System

Justice Served. I arrived at the courthouse around 8:45 AM. The long line worried me at first. I was concerned that I might be there all morning. After 45 minutes of listening to some girl talk about having to come to court "all the time," and listening to some old dude share his knowledge (in his mind at least) of the justice system, it was my turn to bat.

I handed some woman at a computer a sheet of paper that included my name and what the ticket was for.

Woman at computer: What do you want to do about this?
Betts: I'd like to plead "not guilty."
Woman at computer: Have a seat on one of the benches and the prosecutor will be with you shortly.

I looked over at the prosecutor, and this was when I started to think that wearing a muscle shirt might have been a mistake. Ann from Australia thought it would be a good idea, especially if I had to face a lady judge. There was no judge there, just a male prosecutor. I figured I still made the right choice. I figured a flex or two of the ol' bicep muscle would strike fear in the prosecutor. Finally, about a minute later, he called me up there.

The following is the transcript to the best of my memory. Forgive me if any of it might be a little inaccurate.

Betts: Prosecutor.
Prosecutor: Betts.
Betts: You wanted me?
Prosecutor: You're more trouble than you're worth, boy.
Betts: That's what they say.

At this point I looked down and saw a sheet of paper with the drawing of the accident and the statements from the police, etc. I thought to myself, "The cop who wrote the ticket isn't even here, why can't we just dismiss this and move along?"

Prosecutor: So why are you pleading "not guilty"?
Betts: The way I handle my problems is MY business.
Prosecutor: Excuse me?
Betts: Basically, the cop didn't see what happened, so it's just his assumption that I made an improper right turn.
Prosecutor: Well, in the case of an accident the cop usually isn't going to be there.
Betts: That's true, but I also feel I didn't make an improper right turn.
Prosecutor: Well, it says here that you stated that you had to get over quickly to make your turn and then turned from the left lane.
Betts: I never said that I turned from the left lane. I never told anyone that. I was in the left lane and shifted over into the right lane; then I immediately made a right turn.
Prosecutor: The other driver said you turned from the left lane.
Betts: Seems like lies will follow a body around closer than his own shadow.
Prosecutor: Nevertheless, that's what she said.
Betts: Then it's her word against mine. You do realize that real heroes learn from doin', not readin', don't you?
Prosecutor: What?
Betts: The point is that I've been driving for 11 years and this is the first accident I've ever had. There is NO WAY I would've made a right turn directly from the left lane. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw a Ford Explorer. She was about two or three car lengths behind me. I started shifting into the right lane and then started making a right turn. A couple of seconds later I felt the impact. I don't know if she was speeding or didn't expect me to turn or just wasn't paying attention or what.
Prosecutor: Maybe YOU weren't paying attention.

Ohhh, that's when he almost pushed things a step too far. I used to drive a near-mint 1969 Camaro (Vanessa), so believe me, I learned how to drive VERY carefully. I didn't want a scratch on that car, so I don't think you'd find a better defensive driver than me. Good habits die hard. Besides, I always drive under the assumption that all other drivers are stupid. At this point I thought I was almost out of hope. But then the sound of millions of Bettsonians chanting, "Go Johnny Go," rang in my head. I knew I had to push forward.

Betts: Well, you can say that, but my contention is that if I had turned directly from the left lane and right in front of her then she would've hit the front of my truck or even somewhere near the door. But she hit me closer to the back of the truck. That would seem to indicate that I had already shifted over and started to make the turn before she got close to me.

The prosecutor was silent. For good measure I did the ol' pec flex just to add a little intimidation factor. I saw fear cross his eyes. That's when things started to turn in my favor.

Prosecutor: OK Mr. Betts, how many tickets have you had in the past two years?
Betts: I've gotten one speeding ticket in Arkansas.
Prosecutor: Tell you what. I'm going to dismiss the ticket at court costs, and it won't go on your record. How's that sound?
Betts: Sounds good to me.

As he's filling out the paperwork I pull an apple out of my pocket and in my best Cody impersonation I say, "Add THIS to the bill." He just looked at me like I was crazy as he handed me my bill. The whole ordeal cost me only $61. Not bad to keep the ticket off my record and to keep my insurance rates from rising.

As I walked out of the courtroom I heard one person clapping. Then another. Then another. Then another. Within seconds the courtroom was filled with applause and chants of, "Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!" Somewhere, someone played patriotic music a little too loudly. The lovers cried and the poets dreamed. A nation waited, a hero marched forward, victory was won. God Himself couldn't help but smile.

April 23, 2002

Johnny Betts Going to Court, "The Rookie"

My Day in Court. If you've been keeping up with the saga of my recent accident, then you know I received a ticket for an "improper right turn." The cop just assumed that's what happened, but alas, that's a different story. It turns out that I had to pay the ticket within 15 days of the issuance else I'd have to go to court. Welp, looks like I'm going to court.

My moment of truth is tomorrow at 9:00 AM. Johnny Betts is going to do his best to beat the system. So tomorrow at 9:00 AM I hope everyone will be cheering, "Go Johnny go, go Johnny go, go Johnny go!" no matter where you are. Feel free to step outside, light a candle, and show your solidarity. Take signs to work, make Johnny Betts t-shirts, pass out Johnny Betts flyers, do whatever you can do. A hero marches forward; a nation waits.

On a Lighter Note... We saw "The Rookie" this weekend. Very good movie, especially if you like baseball. We took my little brother and sister with us, and I was actually able to hear all the dialogue despite my sister's constant sniffling. She claimed that a lot of her sniffling was due to a "stopped up nose." Riiiight.

April 17, 2002

Josh Brolin on "Highway to Heaven", Rider Review of "Speak No Evil" Updated

A Surprise Josh Viewing. So I'm flipping channels last night when all of a sudden I see a young Josh on TV (I'm pretty sure the remote control was Divinely guided). "What's this?" I said out loud. Josh was wearing some muscle shirt (as he did in most of his pre-1990 roles), so I immediately assumed it might be "Finish Line." But then he hugs some little blonde kid and says, "I'm your brother, Josh Bryant."

I knew that wasn't his name from "Finish Line," so I had no idea what it was. Stephanie offered no suggestions. We kept watching and Josh shows up again. He's mad at his parents because they supposedly didn't tell him he had a younger brother. I'm assuming the kid was given up for adoption, but how would the OLDER brother not be aware of having a YOUNGER brother that was given up for adoption? I have no clue because I tuned in late.

Josh yelled a little bit, his parents pleaded with him to listen to their explanation, he took off and slammed the door, we heard the sound of squealing tires, I laughed.

We then see some young blonde kid in court on the witness stand. He's trying desperately to act his way to the next commercial break, but he's failing miserably. I thought the kid was supposed to have a speech impediment but later in the show he talked fine. The camera soon pans over to the people in court and we see Michael Landon's big hair and his bearded friend. That's when I realized it was "Highway to Heaven."

Stephanie and I had a good laugh and then Stephanie said, "Now we need to find the episode with Paul Walker in it." My 15-year old sister is a big Paul Walker fan (the pretty boy from "The Fast and the Furious" and "Joyride") and had told us previously that Paul had supposedly been on an episode of "H2H." This is where things get REALLY weird. Upon closer inspection we realize that this little kid IS IN FACT PAUL WALKER!

All in all it was a strange night. I hadn't see this performance by Josh before, and I had actually forgotten that he did it (there's no mention of it on IMDb). Has anybody else seen it? I only saw the last 15-20 minutes, so I don't know what else Josh did in the episode - probably strutted around in a muscle shirt. It's episode 3.2 and it's titled "A Special Love." It originally aired on October 1, 1986. I'll keep an eye out for a future repeat of it. It didn't look like an emmy-winning role for Josh, but it was still cool catching that out of the blue.

"Speak No Evil" Rider Review. The review for "Speak No Evil" has been updated with screenshots and captions and with a couple of update statements. Check it out!

April 16, 2002

What's Johnny been up to?

Movies. We saw "Frailty" this weekend. It stars pretty boy Matthew McSmokesomehay and Bill Paxton (aka Bill Pullman - there's really not much difference in the two). It's a pretty good thriller. I can't say too much about it without giving away more plot information then I should. Check out the webpage for further info. If you saw it and have questions regarding some of the twists in the movie then let me know, I'll act really cool and knowledgeable and give you my opinion.

Softball. I've got softball practice today. My games start sometime after May 9, and they'll be on Tuesdays. I'll have updates and box scores (I'll only include MY statistics) either the following Wednesday or Thursday - depends on when I'll feel like posting the stats. At any rate, be sure to tune in here to see your Internet hero be a softball hero.

Rider Review of "The Keepsake." It's coming, you folks just have to be patient. These things take a long time to write! Do you see Hollywood's best screenwriters whipping out new blockbusters every other week? Nope. Every review is a blockbuster and must be written with precision and accuracy. Every line is treated like a new-born baby.

Reader: Whatever, Johnny. You're probably sitting around wasting your time watching "7th Heaven" and then you slap the review together in one night when you have absolutely nothing better to do.

That's bull! "7th Heaven"? Please. Bunch of ingrates. Y'all remind me of Simon Camden.

April 9, 2002


Hello Gwen!
Adoption Date: April 6, 2002

After a week of intense research and test-driving, Johnny Betts finally found the truck that was right for him.

"My research was very thorough. I knew what I wanted, and I knew what everything was worth," said Betts. "So after four test drives, three hours of negotiating and paper work, two turntables, and a microphone; I ended up purchasing Gwen."

Gwen is a dark blue, 4-door, Stepside 2000 Ford Ranger with cruise control, power windows, power locks, keyless entry, a bed liner, a hard tonneau cover, and a cup holder.

"This truck is a better truck than Lita. It has a ton more options, and the price was unbeatable. It only has 24,000 miles on it. But what clinched the deal for me was the cup holder. No question. That and the electric exterior mirrors, those things rule."

In less important news...Ty Miller, best known as Kid on "The Young Riders" and Eric the Bellhop in "Hotel," will be on TV this week. His guest stints as Hadley Barnes (the guy who rubbed suntan lotion on Carol) on "Growing Pains" will air this week on the Family Channel. Part 1 of "Aloha" will air on Wednesday, April 10 at 2:00 PM Central. The exciting finale of this two-part episode will air on Thursday, April 11 at 2:00 PM Central. Check your local listings to make sure you don't miss this most exciting event.

The review of "The Keepsake" is forthcoming...Johnny Betts watched "The Keepsake" last night and is looking forward to reviewing it. "I enjoyed the episode," said Betts, "especially Cody's comic relief. There's plenty of material for me to work with." The release of "The Keepsake" is expected within the next couple of weeks.

April 2, 2002

Lita Ranger Quietly Passes Away

Poor Lita
March 3, 2000 - April 1, 2002

After finding more damage than originally estimated, Johnny Betts' insurance company decided on Monday to total his truck.

"It came as a complete shock to me," said a distraught Johnny, "I was hoping this was a cruel April Fool's joke, but it wasn't. I paid my last respects last night. I removed the last of my personal belongings, Stephanie took some pictures, and I even sat in the driver's seat one last time."

With Lita having ridden off into the sunset, what's next for Johnny?

"I start looking for another truck. I'll probably look for a used one this time. New vehicles are just too nerve-racking. They can depreciate by 20 to 30 percent after only ONE year! I planned on driving Lita for 10-15 years, and it didn't happen. I'm not taking any more chances."

In the immortal words of Todd Snider:

I feel like missing you today
I ain't lettin' nobody stand in my way
I'm gonna pull down these shades
And play some old songs...

Goodbye my friend.

April 1, 2002

Josh Brolin, Updated Reviews, Movie Suggestion

New Josh Brolin movie? Rumor has it that Josh Brolin is set to play the lead role in the movie "Norway's Freedom." Josh is to play Loof Lirpa, the Norwegian folk hero who valiantly fought for Norway's freedom in the 1500s. Details are sketchy.

Rider Reviews. Good news all you Rider Review fans! I've updated the "Gunfighter" and "Home of the Brave" reviews with screenshots and humorous captions. Did Longley, the hired gun, serve as a prototype for a video game character? How helpful was Teaspoon in teaching the Riders how to "speak Indian"? Take a look at the pics and find out.

Movie Suggestion. We rented "Session 9" this weekend. It's very good, very creepy. It takes place in an actual abandoned insane asylum. How can you find a better set than that? It's a good thriller and provides some good scares. It's not a conventional horror film - i.e. an indestructible force doesn't show up and start destroying everything in sight and filling the screen with gore. The scares involve what you don't see more than what you do see.

You definitely want to check out the DVD. The deleted scenes contain an entire subplot that was left out of the movie, and the director's commentary explains a lot of what you might not understand. Just watch the movie first and THEN play with the extras. Watch it with the lights off and enjoy a few sleepless nights.

March 26, 2002

Prescription drugs. First we're in a car wreck, and now Stephanie has been diagnosed with strep throat. There's got to be a hit out on Johnny Betts; there's just no other explanation.

Thankfully Stephanie is on the mend, but things might go a little more smoothly if the doctors would HELP HER OUT JUST A LITTLE! They told her she needed to take 2 pills a day for 10 days. That equals 20 pills, right? Well, it does to most people. Unfortunately, the doctor only gave her a prescription for 10 pills. She called them yesterday and they promised they would call Walgreens and take care of the matter. "Well, did they take care of the matter, Johnny?"

Well, dear reader, one thing led to your mother and they finally took care of the problem around 2:05 PM. So yes, they took care of the matter. Unfortunately, it was only about TWENTY-FOUR HOURS AFTER THEY HAD ORIGINALLY SAID THEY'D GET IT TAKEN CARE OF!!!!!!! All I can do is shake my head and ask, WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?!

The Oscars. All I have to say is that if you ever needed proof that the Oscars are rigged then this Sunday's ceremony is the only place you need to search for your proof. Denzel takes Best Actor over Russell Crowe? For "TRAINING DAY"??? Please. And who exactly told Whoopi Goldberg she's funny? She had exactly three funny comments. I counted them, and I'm being generous on one of those comments. Bring back Steve Martin. The funniest thing about the Oscars was the Owen Wilson/Ben Stiller skit.

And what was up with Tom Cruise's opening speech? How lame was it when he said we should celebrate the magic of movies, "NOW, MORE THAN EVEEEER!!!"???? I almost barfed. It's important to note that some five-inch lifts and fancy camera angling made Tom ALMOST look like he was about 5'3".

"Memento" was unjustly snubbed. "A Beautiful Mind" was good, but "Memento" was far and away the best movie of the year. Not only did it not get a nomination for Best Picture, but it didn't win Best Screenplay. I hate the Oscars. For the most part. Except when Braveheart won Best Picture. And when Tommy Lee Jones and Clint Eastwood won Oscars. And the day when Josh Brolin wins his first Oscar.

March 22, 2002

Yes, my truck is going to be repaired, BUT I'm less than a week removed from my accident. You know what that means? 'At's right, I still haven't completely recovered so IT'S TIME TO VENT!

Have you ever been hassled by beggars? Ever felt ripped off by something you bought at a garage sale? Have you ever had a 4th of July meal that was less than satisfying? Me too. Read on and feel my pain.

March 20, 2002

Johnny Betts' Truck to be Repaired

It was determined Wednesday morning that Johnny Betts' truck can be repaired. Now Betts must find a body shop to do the repairs, and he must do it quickly.

"My insurance only covers 80% of my rental car expense, and it only goes up to $500. I need to hurry up and get this straightened out," Betts said from his cubicle. "I'm glad they're going to repair Lita; I just hope she'll be in good condition when I get her back. I'm sure I'll be paranoid at every little sound she makes from now on. Oh well, this will all be behind me shortly and I can move on. Eleven years without an accident and then this happens. I had wanted to end my days without ever being in a car accident, but the streak has ended. It's time for a new one to begin I suppose."

Lita couldn't be reached for comment.

March 19, 2002

Internet Hero Involved in Car Wreck

Johnny Betts, 27, hates to be faced with a situation that is out of his hands. Unfortunately, that's the situation he's staring straight in the face today.

Betts and his wife, Stephanie, were involved in a two-car accident early Saturday afternoon while on their way to an estate sale.

2000 Ford Ranger "I was in the left lane of a two-lane road," said Betts, Rider Reviewer and Internet hero. "I started easing into the right lane and then needed to make a right turn. When I looked in my rearview mirror and over my right shoulder I had plenty of time to get over. I don't know if the other driver wasn't paying attention or speeding or what. As I'm making the turn the next thing I remember is feeling some sort of contact and then my truck just started sliding."

No one was injured in the wreck, and the extent of the damage to Johnny's truck is not yet known.

"My truck was banged up quite a bit. Most the damage was done to the bed of the truck though, so I sure hope they don't total it," said Betts. "The passenger side is smashed in where the contact was made, and there's damage on the driver's side where we were slammed into a guide wire. The back left tire actually came off the axle. Things could be worse. If that cable hadn't been there then the truck might have flipped over."

Johnny refuses to start thinking about alternatives. For now he's confident that his 2000 Ford Ranger will ride again.

"I'll wait until I hear from my insurance. Lita, my truck, was in excellent condition prior to the accident so I'm optimistic that she'll be fixed. The main thing is that no one was injured."

So has the Internet funny man been able to keep his sense of humor?

"I'm pretty sure God is a fan of the website and the Rider Reviews, why else would He have allowed me to escape unscathed? Now I feel an obligation to keep doing what I'm doing. And I can't be certain, but I think I saw Gabe Calder walking away from the scene of the accident. If he's involved in this somehow then my feud with him is far from over."

Who is Gabe Calder, and why would he have something against Betts?

"Read the Rider Review," Betts said with a smile, "it's all in there."
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