The Rider Review - Ghosts
By Johnny Betts
June 4, 2004
"The Rider Beat = Near-miss bladder crisis. I love the Rider Beat! Let's face it, 99.8% of the
audience is chicks. Acknowledging the draw of the eye candy factor and skewering it -- IT'S WHY YOU ARE
BRILLIANT." - Amy C
PROLOGUE
"I don't get off-track; I just take the scenic route." - Johnny Betts
That was quite a break, wasn't it? Well, of course y'all know I haven't really been on a break. I've been
working hard on my new movie site - THE MOVIE MARK! I trust
y'all have been faithful readers and kept frequent tabs on the site, but if not then quit being lazy and selfish
and GO CHECK IT OUT NOW! All I need is 7 more reviews and
then I can apply for membership to the Online Film Critics Society, which will give me the ability to post my
reviews on Rottentomatoes. That's when my site will really
take off. Superstardom is near my fingertips, so you better join the bandwagon while you still can.
At the end of the review I'm giving you a chance to participate in the "Ghosts" Questionnaire. This is a popular
new addition, so I'm gonna keep it going for now. Not only will you get to name a caption to a screenshot and vote
whether or not this episode is a good YRRT, but you'll also be able to answer a very special YR trivia question! I
know, calm down, it *is* quite exciting.
ED SPIELMAN INTERVIEW
You should know by now that Mr. Ed Spielman, creator of The Young Riders, was kind enough to grant me an interview.
If you haven't seen it yet, then you can read it
RIGHT HERE!
Mr. Spielman's other Western series, Dead Man's Gun, can currently be seen in reruns on Showtime. If you have
access to the channel then I highly suggest you check it out.
YOUNG RIDERS TRIVIA
I doubt anybody remembers the question, so let me refresh your memory: "What was the first project that Paul Walker
and Josh worked on together?"
The answer is *drum roll* HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN! I just want to point out that I have mentioned that before on The
Doorless Stall, but apparently nobody pays close attention to what I say because only two people got it correct:
Bethanee and Aimee. CONGRATULATIONS GALS! Oh, I do have to give Guylian credit because she answered, "That dodgy
TV episode you and Steph caught the end of recently. There are no prizes for this, right?" She didn't remember
the name of the show, but I can tell she remembered me writing about it, so I just have to say BRAVO!
The next trivia question is in the questionnaire. Check it out at the bottom of the review.
QUESTIONNAIRE RESULTS
You remember the "Born to Hang"
questionnaire, don't you? Welp, here are the results...
I asked if you thought "Born to Hang" was a good recruiting tool for nonfans, and apparently most of you aren't
big fans of the episode. 65% of you said it is NOT an effective YRRT.
And sadly, for Cody, he was not able to pull off the cleavage upset... 62.5% of you feel that Rachel has bigger
cleavage.
All right, moving on to "Name that caption." Y'all had plenty to say, so here are your entries...
Kid: "I hate you." Noah: "I hate you more." [cue passionate kiss] - Amy C
"Hey, Man, haven't you ever heard of Listerine?" - Jade
"You think I'm gorrrgeous, you want to daaate me, love me and marry me..." a la "Miss Congeniality" -
Ang
"Don't try to fight it Kid, who cares what other people think?" - Ang
"Tastes great!" "Less filling!" - Nora
"Haha Kid, I won, you blinked" - Sarah
"Yes, Kid, I think you do have a zit forming." - Rhi
"Look Kid, if we're going to run the Kissing Booth at the town fair, we've got to practice!" - Aimee
"Kid can't believe that Blair Underwood quit L.A. Law for the Pony Express either." - Guylian
"Kiss me once, kiss me twice, come on pretty baby kiss me deadly!" - Cathy
"Next on Celebrity Death Match!: Marshmallow [Graham] cracker goes up against Bitter-sweet Chocolate! (S'mores
anyone?) - Beth G
"Have they invented breath mints yet?" - Oregon Ann
"Kid, (or Noah) have you not heard of personal space?" - Oregon Ann
Noah: "I just love that shade of blush, Kid! What is it?" Kid: "Really, you don't think it's too dark?" -
Cristy
"Relax, Kid, you've got Crest Whitening with Scope in new Cool Peppermint Flavor." - Benji
Noah: "I'm gonna kiss those cracker lips just to shut you up!" - Donna Ree
READER OBSERVATIONS
Now in an effort to get you kids involved, here are some reader observations regarding the last review/episode. I
may comment, I may not. Depends on how I feel.
Amy C: "Born to Hang" certainly paints the racial conflicts of the time
with broad strokes, but it starts off the Noah character with a lot of promise. Prior to seeing this episode as a
teenager, I was ignorant to the fact that African-American cowboys were less the exception and more of the rule.
The writers had stumbled upon a veritable goldmine of material to explore. Unfortunately, the writers did not
deliver for Noah and by the end of the series he's just another rider with nothing to do like Ike and Buck.
You forgot to mention that he was also someone the writers could deem as a "dispensable character." Need
someone killed off at the end? Sorry Noah, you don't have seniority! That didn't bother me too much though since
Noah wasn't part of Ed Spielman's original design.
Ang: I love the questionnaire, now I don't have to write another e-mail
to tell you the stuff I liked! I liked the TBAA references, and I still have that song in my head, the "When you
waaaalk, down the Roooad..." the sad part is, I could sing the whole thing. I used to watch that all the time and
still catch it on Hallmark occasionally. I also loved the "Indiana Noah" screenshot jokes, and also the
"breaker, breaker" screenshot. I'm also impressed with your Bible knowledge, throwing that Zacchaeus thing in
there - and knowing how to spell it!! And that little Ann, she's a wild one! But good job to her!
First of all - you're welcome for sticking that song in your head. Second of all - I'm a total renaissance man,
it's true. I challenge anybody to find any other review/article on the Internet that contains Bible, TBAA,
TYR, Indiana Jones, Paul Walker, and Highway to Heaven references all in the same review/article. Good luck.
Aimee: Great, as always! I love how you were kind to Kid in this
one :)
Enjoy it while you can because I don't plan on making it a habit. Why? Because of this...
Name withheld for safety reasons: This was more of a disappointment
than anything. I've seen you do better and I'm sure you will in the next review.
This gal is a good friend and reader. When asked why the review was a disappointment, she made it clear that I
was just too nice to Kid. I can be nice to Kid every now and then, but I think the fans would revolt if it became
the norm.
Guylian: Loved the caption about 'Bald Eagle' looking for 'Buck Naked'!
To be honest, that was my favorite also. Great minds think alike.
Cristy: You are back, JB!! I'm so glad ... I've always loved the
rider reviews, but you really got me w/ this one. Not since the first time I read about Buck and his pimp vest have
I laughed so hard at a review. The captions were especially classic this time ... loved the one w/ Ike and the
cb ... hee hee!
Thank you, but man, the pressure is now on to really make this review fantastic. Especially since it's been so long
since I've written an RR. My advice - lower your expectations so that it'll seem funnier.
RIDER REVIEW READER PARTICIPATION PROGRAM
This week's participant is Karen. Everybody give her a warm welcome. Not too many people were volunteering for
"Ghosts," but she stepped up to the plate and took on the challenge. Thanks, Karen.
GHOSTS aka KILL TEASPOON
Wow, this episode starts off in the desert. You know what that means, don't you? Yeah, neither do I. Guest
starring David Carradine? Hmm, is he gonna play a bald-headed Kung Fu dude who comes into town and takes care
of business and talks about grasshoppers, or will he be a character named Bill who tried to kill Rachel a long
time ago? That'd be pretty cool. Then Rachel can spend the entire episode trying to hunt him down and seek
revenge.
Cool, check out the stock footage of a snake and buzzards. Woo, the sun! The camera slowly pans over to a
dead man. Or is that Geena Davis' movie career? I can't really tell. An ugly buzzard's about to pick at the
bones I guess. Whoa! Wait a minute! The supposed dead man reaches up and grabs the buzzard's neck! He
laughs like a madman and pokes at the buzzard! He's crazy!
We come to find out that this man, played by Carradine, is named Buzzard Braddock. But what's with his
buzzard obsession? Why on earth would he just lay down in the desert until a buzzard came up to him? Does
he eat them? Does he keep them as pets? Does he taunt them for fun? Did a group of buzzards kill his
family and destroy his home and now he has sworn vengeance on all buzzards? I don't understand. I WANT
ANSWERS!
Karen: Me too. While the opening was different and peculiarly
intriguing – what was the point?
Peculiarly intriguing - that's a great way to describe it. It definitely grabs your attention, but what in
the world?
If that wasn't enough excitement for you then let's see what's going on at the bunkhouse. Oooh, dinner.
Cody's hilarious.
Karen: I also found this scene hilarious. I decided I liked
Rachel at this point because she wasn’t going to put up with any foolishness. (Maybe this is just because
I’m female and "more mature" (44) than the average viewer).
Rachel: I hope you like it.
Cody: Looks just fine to me.
Rachel: I was talking about the bird.
Cody claims he was also. Hahaha. While Cody is pouring himself some milk, he spills it all over Lou. And I
have to say, it's not very realistic. Would he really be so enamored with Rachel that he'd lose his train of
thought while pouring milk? Doubt it. Do any of you readers know of anybody who has ever been pouring a drink
and then poured it all over the table because he was gawking at a woman? Let's see a show of hands. Nobody?
That's what I thought.
Cody claims the milk has a mind of its own, so Lou gets mad and storms off. I almost did the same thing due
to my anger at the absurdity of the situation. But I have to admit, Lou's little hissy fit always makes me
laugh. It makes the other riders laugh as well. Rachel doesn't think it's too funny though, "Supper's on
the table, gentlemen, and I'm not on the menu."
It would've been awesome if one of the riders had said, "Well, *you* may not be on the menu, but why are your
boobs spilling onto my plate?" Whoever said it then could flip her a quarter and say, "Here you go, honey,
go buy a couple of more buttons for your dress." Man that would've so ruled. Or somebody could've said,
"You're not on the menu? I'm sorry. I couldn't see the menu because your cleavage was right in my face and
blocking it."
Rachel and Lou have a little woman-to-woman talk. The toilet and I are about to have a little man-to-man
tête-à-tête. Rachel comments on Lou being a girl, and Lou wants to know who told her that. Rachel acts
absolutely bewildered that someone doesn't know. THANK GOODNESS! I'm so glad the writers had her assume
right from the beginning that Lou was a girl. I was getting so tired of people thinking Lou is a boy and
never catching on to how fake her deep voice is.
Karen: I agree whole-heartedly. I realized she was a girl
from the commercials before the show originally aired. I mean how dumb do the writers think these people
are.
Granted, there are a lot of morons out there, but people do have *some* sense.
Lou pouts some more and tells Rachel that no one asked her to come here and she should mind her own business.
Rachel's cleavage is all over the place. Rachel wants to know what Lou's problem is. At this point I'd
usually chime in with a good ol' "time of the month" joke, but you know, I'm gonna sit this one out and not
even go there. Aren't you proud of me?
Karen: I’m very proud of you. It’s not easy to pass up such
golden opportunities.
Lou reveals that she's uncomfortable that the boys are drooling over Rachel's boobies. Apparently, Lou's
a little upset that *her* chest looks like California's Central Valley. Rachel proceeds to give us a little
lesson on why the good Lord gave women breasts, and apparently it has nothing to do with a flotation device.
The writers throw one last set of props Emma's way as Rachel mentions her. Sam, however, has apparently
been completely forgotten.
I'm *so* glad I didn't have to sit through any scenes of Jimmy crying because Sam was gone. Oh man, Lou
acts like she's choking back tears, and to be honest, I'm choking back vomit. Speaking of which, there
was this kid in elementary school named George who later became known as Vomit Mouth because one day in
gym he got sick while playing field hockey and threw up, held it in his mouth, and swallowed it. Folks,
you simply don't live something like that down until you move on to the next phase in your life. Yeah,
it's gross, but I'm teaching a life lesson here.
Well, now we see some sort of town somewhere. A grizzled-looking stock character commands his mangy dog
to scare a horse away. Buzzard Braddock comes out of the barbershop. It was his horse. Uh-oh, this won't
be pretty. Buzzard tells the guy to give him his horse, his money, and his dog. Who would want that dog?
That has to be the ugliest dog I've ever seen. And why does it have a butch haircut? I think Sharon Stone
used to have that exact same hairdo.
Karen: Maybe I’m weird, but I like this dog. I’m not sure why,
I just do.
You a big Sharon Stone fan? Or did you just watch a Kid episode and the next thing you saw was the dog and by
default that took your mind off the Kid episode?
Buzzard has a really weird eye. It's all hazy-looking. I'm guessing it's a glass eye. Hmm, you know, I've
just come to the conclusion that Quentin Tarantino is a huge Young Riders fan. I'll explain at the end of
the review. Maybe that'll keep you reading to the end. Unfortunately, the payoff will probably be a huge
letdown. I apologize now. Anyway, here begins the producers' infatuation with slow motion in this episode.
The dog jumps at Buzzard, Buzzard catches him, throws him down, and then shoots dude. Yep, all in SLOW
MOTION! He takes the guy's money, horse, and dog. He then pulls out a guitar and writes a country song
about it.
Karen: The thing I noticed in this scene was Buzzard’s ever-changing
shirt. It’s fine – all in one piece when he exits the barbershop. After the dog jumps him, as he turns and draws,
it’s torn. Then it’s fine again as he mounts up and rides off. Don’t you just love it when the editing is done so
well.
Thanks for catching that. Inexplicably, that slipped past my eagle eyes. I have to go back and watch
that again.
The non-stop action continues as we're briskly taken to a scene with Teaspoon cleaning his gun. Hickok
sneaks up on him and treats us to one of the best Jimmy/Teaspoon conversations in all of YR history:
Teaspoon: You oughtta know better than to sneak up on me like that.
Jimmy: I wasn't sneakin', just watching.
They talk about how heavy the badge is and blah, blah, blah...
Teaspoon: Ain't you got nothing better to do than poke around my stuff?
Jimmy: Nope. Teaspoon, how come you strapped this thing on again?
Teaspoon: Because Sam asked me too.
Looks like Teaspoon's in charge until Sam's replacement arrives. Jimmy doesn't understand why though.
Hmm, who else thinks something will happen to Sam's replacement? Yeah, me too. It's no wild prediction
to say Teaspoon might as well prep himself for a lengthy term as Marshal.
Jimmy: Teaspoon, men like you, men who live by the gun, usually don't get a
chance to walk away, but you did. And now you're strapping it on again. It just don't make sense.
Teaspoon: It makes perfect sense. Jimmy, there comes a time in a man's life when
he can't look back. Even though it seems like the path he's about to choose is gonna to lead to some place
he's already been to; it doesn't matter, because he knows he ain't that man going down the path.
After Jimmy (and the viewing audience) let's out a Tim Allen-esque "Huh?" he continues...
Jimmy: Well what about these notches then? Didn't you once tell me that every notch
has got a reason and every reason a ghost?
Teaspoon: That's right, ghosts. That's all they is.
Jimmy: But every one's got a relative, and if they don't they've got a friend.
You strap this thing on again they'll be drawn to you like fleas to a dog, Teaspoon.
Teaspoon: That's right. But let me tell you something, just between you and me, this
dog may be old, but he ain't forgot how to scratch.
Karen: The wisdom of Teaspoon is shown yet again. I agree with
Johnny B’s assessment of this conversation. It rocks!
Booyeh. I think I'm gonna make "...every notch has got a reason and every reason a ghost" the first
"Mark-Out Remark" of the episode. OK, I'm done thinking. It's official now. Also, I'll nominate
this as the first "classic scene" nominee. I'm gonna call it, "the scene where Jimmy and Teaspoon talk
about notches, ghosts, and straps." Jimmy must've learned the word "strap" when he magically learned
how to read during the summer hiatus and thus is using it every chance he gets. Please, don't start
making your own jokes about that.
While Rachel is hanging laundry, she starts to have a flashback. This serves to explain her back story.
Turns out she was married to an Irish guy named Henry. At least I'm assuming he was Irish. The accent
kind of comes and goes. She was pregnant. Some bad guys rode up to them one day claiming they wanted
money Rachel "stole" from them. One of the bad guys was taunting Henry about a "venture" he had with Rachel.
Welp, that did it. That's all it took to turn Henry into a totally useless, brain-dead moron. For some
stupid, stupid reason Henry goes for his gun. He's shot and killed. Big surprise. I'm just curious, WHAT
WAS HE THINKING?!?!?!?! Let's see, my gun is to my side, so I'll have to turn around, grab it, cock it,
and *then* shoot. And the bad guys have their guns holstered and can draw at any time. What should I do?
I'm thinking go for my gun. Idiot.
The bad guys take off, Rachel comes out shooting, she kills one of the guys, and she loses the baby in all
the commotion. I'm sorry, but I still can't get over Henry's stupidity. He's surrounded by multiple ARMED
bad guys, and because one of them makes a comment about his wife he thinks he'll take them all on by
himself? Death by stupidity could've been avoided here. Can't say I really feel sorry for him.
Back to reality... Lou sees Rachel crying and asks what's wrong. Rachel doesn't have the nerve to tell her
that she just watched a Kid episode, so she runs off. Man, what is it with the women in this episode?? Yep,
I could make a comment about the studies that show what happens when you get a group of women together...
um, never mind, I will not go there.
Are you like me and tired of all this girly stuff? READY TO JUMP INTO SOME ACTION? Well, I hate to break it
to you but we are now treated to a scene with Rachel combing her hair. WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE SLAM ON THE BRAKES
AND LET ME CATCH MY BREATH?!?!?!?! Lou shows up, claims she saw Rachel's light on, and figured this would be a
good way to bond and occupy some screen time. Great. They better do something quick because I'm starting to
think about all the movies I need to review and all the video games I want to play. Where's Jimmy's 6-shooter
when it's needed? Is there any ice cream in the freezer? Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Do you like piña coladas? And getting caught in the rain?
Rachel apologizes for crying and running off like a Kid. She chalks it up to "voices." Ooooooookay. I think
it was a voice trying to convince her to watch "Hard Time." I admit, that would be
pretty scary. Lou says she was hearing voices too, and Rachel jokes that she can imagine what they were saying.
She tells Lou not to worry, over time she'll (Rachel) be "one of the boys." Riiiiight. One of the boys with a
really huge bosom.
Oh man, Lou gets really cheesy and tells Rachel that she'd be "honored" to be her friend. Rachel passes the
cheese right back to Lou and says she'd like that a lot. Lou smiles. Is this 6th grade or something? Sheesh.
Are y'all as embarrassed as I am right now? Lou and Rachel then have a pillow fight and put on their nighties.
They get some markers and poster board and make signs saying things like, "I love Hezekiah Horn" and "Jake Colter
Can Collect a Bounty From Me Any Time." Rumor has it that Lou was the first to fall asleep and Rachel put her
bra in the freezer.
We see that Buzzard Braddock has made his way to New Mexico territory, and he's in a saloon playing cards with
Teaspoon's replacement. He asks the guy where he can find Teaspoon and then slams the guy's head into the poker
table. Good job, dude, you just let an old man with a glass eye punk you out. I'm gonna go out on a limb and
say this is NOT the guy Sweetwater wants as its new sheriff. My theory is Sam was bitter about being written
off the show and handpicked this loser as payback.
Karen: Isn’t this the same man who "hangs himself with his belt"
in "Blood Money"?
Why yes, you are correct. And according to Raye's site,
he (Billy Joe Patton) appeared in 8 episodes, 6 in which he died. You can check her site for pictures and to
see the specific episodes he was in if you're interested.
Lou and her perfectly shaved legs go swimming. Hickok picks on Kid a little bit and says how hot it is, maybe
they should join Lou. He knows how to get under Kid's skin because Kid starts whining. "No we won't! We'll
wait til she's done!" Uh-oh, Teaspoon shows up for a little swimming action. Looks like the secret is about
to be revealed. Teaspoon cracks me up with the line, "You can't hog the swimmin' hole on a hot day like this,
it ain't democratic." Hahaha, I'm not sure what hogging a swimming hole has to do with democracy, but we'll go
with it. Teaspoon doesn't see any "allygators," so he can't understand why Lou is desperately trying to keep
him from jumping in.
Lou starts to really amp up the overacting now. She says the water is freezing and starts doing a REALLY FAKE
"brrrr" sound. It's somewhat embarrassing to watch. Not quite as bad as watching Anna Nicole Smith try to
carry on a conversation on a talk show, but it was slightly embarrassing all the same. Teaspoon cracks me up
though. He says cold is just how he likes it. Then when Lou says it's hot he totally switches gears and says,
"Good, hotter the better." You know, I'm starting to think Teaspoon totally knows Lou is a girl and this is
all a ploy on his part to catch her skinny-dipping. Dirty old man.
Teaspoon jumps in. Lou screams. The shirtless riders run to see what is going on. All the girls in the
audience swoon and call each other giggling about how the riders are shirtless. Y'all are so immature.
Teaspoon says Lou needs a good, old-fashioned alley oop and disappears under the water for a few awkward
seconds. He emerges with a bewildered look on his face and screams, "LOUUU?!?!" Yeah, it's not believable
that he'd still be clueless about her being a girl, but the scene is funny.
Karen: My question about the whole swimming thing is why is Lou
naked? The boys don’t swim naked. Teaspoon didn’t strip to his birthday suit. So why does Lou?
That's a very good question. Of course, the obvious answer is PLOT CONVENIENCE! But within the context of
the episode it's probably because she was hoping Jimmy would go for a swim.
The next scene is classic. In fact, I'm making it a "classic scene" nominee. Everybody is in the ol' steam room.
Or house. Or tent. Teepee. Whatever the stupid thing is. SWEAT LODGE! I think that's what it's called. Or is
it steam lodge? Ah, who cares, I'm going with steam house. Anyway, Teaspoon asks, "When did this happen?" And
Lou replies, "Been like this since birth." Teaspoon wonders why he didn't notice, and Cody deadpans, "I ain't gonna
touch that." Hahaha. Doesn't Lou say the same thing to Kid later in the series? Anyway, Lou tries to get all
philosophical and says maybe he chose not to because he knew he'd have to fire her.
Yeah, that's what he did. Somehow Teaspoon knew Lou was a girl but subconsciously chose not to notice it. Whatever.
Are these people smoking crack? Face it - the writers were awkwardly trying to explain the inexplicable - that
somebody still didn't know Lou was a girl. But hey, we're expected to believe that no one realized that Clark
Kent was actually Superman, so I can't criticize too much.
Teaspoon says Lou can ride as "good" and shoot as straight as anybody, so he has no intentions of firing her.
His philosophy is company is company and family is family, and family sticks together. Oh not always.
Believe me. As I recall, my sister always lost interest in the whole "family sticks together" philosophy
whenever there was a chance *she'd* get in trouble.
Kid gets really cheesy and hugs Lou while smiling real big. Teaspoon's relieved and says he was beginning
to worry about Kid and Lou. Hahaha. I think there's still reason to worry about Kid. Buck flashes his perv
smile. Man, why are they amping up Buck's creep factor this season? Seriously, they should've added a female
character to the show that he could've stalked all season long. Would've worked well with his 6th sense tracking
skills.
Back at the saloon, Teaspoon's replacement stumbles out drunk. There's Buzzard. He wants his badge.
Teaspoon's replacement refuses so Buzzard shoots him, takes the badge, and leaves. What a shame. I
was really looking forward to that dude being the new Marshal of Sweetwater. That would've rocked.
Ah well, there goes season 2. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Karen: It would have been kind of nice if he’d survived at least
one of the episodes he appeared on.
Remember, he actually survived in 2 out of 8 episodes! It's about the same ratio as Josh surviving in his movies.
I'll never forget wanting to leave the theater right after Josh was SPOILER ALERT killed about halfway through
"Mimic." "Oh, he'll come back and be possessed by one of the alien things," I said to Stephanie, trying to keep
hope alive. Nope. He was gone. Along with my interest in the movie.
Some walrus-looking sheriff is talking to Teaspoon about a cold-blooded killer who has escaped from jail.
But it ain't a "he." DUHN DUHN DUHN! The sheriff shows Teaspoon a Wanted pic of Rachel. There's a $100
reward on her head, but $200 is being offered per booby.
Teaspoon wonders if she really did it. After all, she's just a petite, 5'4" pretty girl. Walrus-boy
says there were three witnesses to the murder. Teaspoon still has his suspicions and says his memory
isn't too good, but he will keep an eye out for her. Walrus-boy and his men leave.
Teaspoon grabs his gun and heads back to the station. He approaches Rachel and she explains the entire
story. If what she did is murder, then she's guilty. Teaspoon asks if Dennis would testify that Rachel shot
his brother in self-defense, but she doubts it. Teaspoon says he wanted to hear her side of the story and then
she inexplicably states, "I don't have a side." Teaspoon responds with, "Well then how do you explain that cute
little backside of yours?" Rachel and Lou stare at Teaspoon awkwardly for a few seconds before he clears his
throat and tries to change the subject.
Rachel explains that she shot Tom Browning, and the Browning family owns the law in Blue Creek. So she doesn't
think she'll get a fair trial. I guess she claims to have no side because no matter what she says
they'll find her guilty? Whatever. I'm pretty sure I don't care anymore. Teaspoon asks why Tom shot her
husband, and according to Rachel it was because he was in love with her. Her mom used to be a whore, but she
was tired of seeing her mom used like she was, so she took her place. Glad to see her mother allowed that to
happen. Good parenting skills there. "Mom, I can't stand to see you used like this anymore, so I'm taking over!"
"All right, dear, if you think that's what's best." I mean, it's basically the equivalent of the time I took over
my dad's Honduran sweatshop. My intentions were good, but that didn't make it right!
Rachel met her husband at a card table, and he changed her life. Teaspoon decides to help her out and tells
her to take a horse and stick to the rockiest ground she can find because she'll be harder to track that way.
After Rachel leaves, Teaspoon looks at Lou and says, "Louise?" Lou puts her hands on her hips and makes the
most unintimidating stern face she can muster to show how tough she is.
Check it out, that ugly dog is running IN SLOW MOTION with Buzzard. It's a quick scene just to remind us that
Buzzard is on his way to take on Teaspoon. Plus, it's another opportunity to use some SLOW MOTION! Meanwhile,
Kid, Jimmy, Ike, and Noah show up at the waystation. Here come the walrus and his men. Teaspoon stalls them
and tells Jimmy to let the men take their time looking for Rachel. For some reason, the walrus and his men are
too stupid to realize what's going on. You'd figure at least somebody would stop and say, "Hey boss, don't you
think he's being a little *too* accommodating in letting us search for this gal?" But they're corrupt lawmen,
and in TYR world that means they're dumb.
Uh-oh, we see that a snake spooks Rachel's horse and she falls. I'm not really sure what the purpose of the
scene is. In fact, I probably shouldn't have even made mention of it in this review. I should probably just
delete this entire paragraph, but I went to the trouble to write it, so I'm gonna make you go to the trouble to
read it. FACE!
Back to the waystation ... One of the walrus' men finds tracks. The walrus says he'll have Teaspoon's badge
for this. They take off. Kid asks if Rachel really killed a man. Teaspoon says yeah, but the wrong one. I'm sure
the riders would've liked a little more info than that, but oh well, what can you do? MORE SLOW MOTION as the
sheriff's men ride through a river. Seriously, there are about three slow motion shots of them just riding through
the water. Were they running low on footage and needed time to fill? Was this really necessary? Or did they just
think it was going to look super cool? If they show slow motion of Kid doing *anything* then I'm stopping this
review cold in its tracks.
It's nighttime, and even though Rachel only has about a 5-minute head start on her pursuers, she decides to stop for
the night and build a huge, easy-to-see fire. Real smart, Rachel, reeeeeeeeal smart. If I'm only a few minutes
ahead of some guys who want to see me hang then I think the last thing I'm gonna do is stop riding and burn a really
bright fire. Unbelievable. She should've sang really loudly as well to help pass the night away. All while popping
off a few fireworks.
Karen: You have to remember – Rachel is blond. And she is grieving.
Maybe that’s why she went temporarily brain dead and built such a big fire.
Rachel starts to think about her husband and says to no one in particular that they could've gotten into some fine
trouble on a night like this. Oh, you'll be getting in trouble all right. She hiccups a couple of times. Oh wait,
that was just her way of attempting to cry. Welp, it's morning now and to no one's surprise the walrus and his men
have found her. Serves her right. "Ohhh, I can just sleep for the night. I'm sure the men following me will sleep
also and not keep tracking me." This is just sloppy writing.
10 seconds later it's nighttime again. Wow, what a fast transition. No problem, the riders show up and help
Rachel escape. They've written a confession letter to get Ethan to admit Thad Browning killed her husband.
Rachel kisses Jimmy and he acts shy. Awwww. Jimmy shoos the horses away.
Rachel shows up at a hotel where Ethan is asleep. Rachel makes the "lady" that is with him leave. She draws her
gun, wakes Ethan up, and asks him where Dennis is. Ethan says, "Franz?" Rachel just stares at him. Ethan
then realizes she's talking about his brother and comments that he thought Thad was the one she had her eye on.
Rachel shoots Ethan in the leg. Lou and Kid rush in. Ethan starts whining about how he's gonna bleed to death.
Rachel tells him to stop whining; she's seen mosquitoes draw more blood. Good call. Unless he wants to join the
ladies' social, then he better tell her where Dennis is. He agrees to.
I'm losing interest in this storyline. Who really cares? Just ride into Blue Creek, shoot up the Brownings, and
be done with it. Confession letters are for wusses. You'd never see Jimmy handle a problem by trying to get
somebody to sign a confession letter. This is Young Riders world, and in this world we like our problems solved
with lots of cool gunfights. Ah well, I'll trudge forward just for YOU!
Let's head over to Browning's store. Lou acts like she has a package for Dennis. Way to lie! So sad that
she couldn't find an honest way to solve this problem. Catch a criminal by being dishonest? *shakes head*
Dennis opens the door and Rachel and Lou charge in with guns drawn. Rachel wants him to sign the statement
saying Rachel shot Tom *after* Thad killed her husband. Dennis says he can't betray his family. Kid says
if he doesn't sign then they'll go after his family. Apparently Kid has joined some sort of Old West mafia.
Uh-oh, someone's coming. It's Thad and his dad. Kid, Lou, and Rachel hide for about 5 seconds before Rachel
clumsily knocks something over and makes a loud noise. Sigh. Real smooth. You know, Dennis looks like a
young Matthew Perry. Thad tells Dennis to rip up the statement. Dennis responds with, "Could I *be* any
more loyal to my family" and then rips up the confession. That joke will be lost on anybody not familiar
with "Friends." But if you are familiar with "Friends" then you'll be laughing insanely right now. "I'm
familiar with Friends, Johnny, and I just kind of politely smiled." Jerk.
Karen: Loved the joke.
Good, at least one person got it.
Ethan's loitering outside the window. Lou yells at Rachel to watch out. Thad draws his gun, but Dennis
stops him from shooting. Lou shoots Ethan. Somebody else charges in and gets shot. I have no idea who
it was, and I have no interest in researching the subject to find out. Papa Browning finally steps in and
says it's over. Little did everybody know that he was referring to Ty Miller's career.
All righty, time to wrap everything up nice and neat. Teaspoon reads a statement from the territorial
governor stating that all charges against Rachel have been dropped. Based on Dennis' confession, Thad and the
evil walrus sheriff have been charged with land fraud, extortion, etc. Teaspoon wants to know what
Rachel's gonna do next now that she's free. Rachel asks what everybody is looking at and says she's
got a stew on! Would it have hurt Teaspoon to just ask her if she'd like to stay?
Karen: I’m not sure Teaspoon knows how to say anything in a
direct manner. Does he ever just say what he means? I really love the man, but he does have a tendency to
get wordy.
I'm sorry, but were you talking about Teaspoon or the entire female population? BOOYA! *ahem* Considering
95% to 99% of my readers are females, could somebody please make sure flowers are sent to my funeral? Thanks.
Cody tries to apologize to Rachel for noticing her massive chest dangling in his face. He says he's sorry
for "you know." So Rachel claims she hasn't the slightest idea what he's talking about. Cody then says
he's sorry for the way he was thinking about her before. Rachel says as long as she's treated with dignity
and respect, then he can think whatever he likes. She leaves and Buck turns around and flashes his pervert
smile at Kid. All right, he's just scaring me now. Noah says she's one heck of a woman. Everybody laughs.
Lou isn't overly happy though so Teaspoon has to point out that Rachel isn't the only good woman around the
bunkhouse. In a funny moment, he uncomfortably puts his arm around Lou and asks what everybody is smiling at.
He says the station's a mess and disperses the gang.
Teaspoon and Jimmy play a little checkers. Jimmy triple jumps him. He wants to play again, but Teaspoon
feels Jimmy has learned enough for the day. Reminds me of how I'd always beat my dad at video games when I
was just a little Johnny Betts. We'd play my old Atari football game and I'd be beating him about 84-0 before
he'd finally claim he had to cut the grass or work on the car or something. As time and tears went by, he
would find more and more excuses not to play video games with me anymore.
Later in life, my dad said he'd just let me beat him at video games. Riiiiiiiiiight. He tried hard to win.
It'd even get to the point where I'd mess up on purpose to try to let him score. He'd then get mad at me
for that and say he didn't need my pity. He claims he just let me beat him at basketball also, but every time
I issue a new challenge he always seems to have some sort of yard work to do. Funny how that works.
As Teaspoon is reflecting on how there is nothing like a nice, peaceful, Saturday afternoon he hears Buzzard
call him out.
Buzzard: Remember me? Waco, TX. Summer of '42. You left a piece of lead in me
that kind of put a little crimp in my social life.
Buzzard has come back to return the favor. He plans to feed Teaspoon's heart to his dog for lunch, and then
smoke his liver for dinner while saving the bones for a treat. I like when Buzzard calls him "Spoono."
I also like how the camera moves to inside the office and we see the chairs empty and Teaspoon's holster off
the rack.
Buzzard's getting impatient. He wants to know what Teaspoon's waiting for. He hopes it ain't his replacement
because he's given up marshalling and taken up fertilizing. Haha, he asks Teaspoon if he's hiding under the
mattress like a "cockyroach." Teaspoon shows up from behind.
Teaspoon: Real sorry about your social life, Buzzard.
Buzzard: Oh that's OK Hunter, I found something just as satisfying. *pulls out the
badge* Target practice. And you're next.
Jimmy watches.
Buzzard tosses the badge in the air. MORE SLOW MOTION! It lands on the ground and they draw. Teaspoon
drops him.
Teaspoon: Do me a favor, will ya? Get the undertaker.
Jimmy: Another notch?
Teaspoon: Another ghost.
Jimmy: There'll be others, Teaspoon.
Teaspoon: Yeah I suppose. Until we're notches on somebody else's gun.
Cue the cool music. The end. Awesome. I'm nominating this as a classic scene nominee. We'll call it,
"the scene where Teaspoon and Buzzard fight in a battle of the elderly and then Jimmy adds his two
cents."
EPILOGUE
This is an episode where the secondary story kept my interest MUCH MORE than the primary story. The whole
"Rachel seeks revenge and bonds with Lou in the process" plot just didn't do much for me. However, I loved
the Teaspoon/Buzzard storyline. Jimmy's scenes with Teaspoon are some of the best in the series, and I
feel David Carradine made a great bad guy as Buzzard. It's always nice when TYR has a villain with
personality.
I really wish the Buzzard Eater had been on for at least two episodes. It would've been great to have
a cliffhanger ending for episode 1 and then continue on to episode 2. Would've been much better than
spreading Rachel's story over two episodes. Oh well.
This episode is a shining example of why we need this series on DVD. I can't label the entire episode as
a YRRT, but the Teaspoon/Jimmy/Buzzard story is definitely worth showing to friends and family.
Oh yeah, I promised to make a "Kill Bill" connection here. All right, so you've got David Carradine seeking
revenge against Teaspoon. Then in "Kill Bill" Tarantino turns things around, and it's David Carradine that
is being pursued. Then we see that Buzzard Braddock has a wickedly messed up eye. Welp, what is one thing
that stands out in "Kill Bill"? That's right - Tarantino's obsession with wickedly messed up eyes. Daryl
Hannah has an eye patch, we see an eyeball get pulled out of its socket, etc. So there you have it, I just
proved that Quentin Tarantino is huge YR fan. You're welcome.
Mark-Out Remark: I'm giving it to Jimmy with "every notch has got a reason and
every reason a ghost" because the line is just so dang cool. That line alone gives great insight into
the life of a gunfighter.
Classic Scene: This was tough, but I'm gonna give it to "the scene where Teaspoon
and Buzzard fight in a battle of the elderly and then Jimmy adds his two cents." I love the confrontation
between Teaspoon and Buzzard, and then Teaspoon's conversation with Jimmy to conclude the episode is just
awesome. On another day it could be "the scene where Jimmy and Teaspoon talk about notches, ghosts, and straps,"
but not today.
HOW THIS EPISODE CHANGED YOUR LIFE
Karen: This episode changed my life by making me realize that
it is possible to survive a badly written show and still want to watch the show again.
Wow. I can definitely see how that would change your life. Thanks Karen! And thank YOU for being so patient.
I promise you that it will NOT take as long for me to do the next Rider Review. I PROMISE! My movie
site, THE MOVIE MARK (which is the perfect thing to
read to wind down after this great Rider Review), is going smoothly now, and I've got a better writing
method now that will help me be more productive. So don't worry, no more 5-month waits!
Up next is "Dead Ringer." It is most memorable for the introduction of one of the best guest characters in
TYR history - the ultra cool bounty hunter, Jake Colter. The terrorhawk herself, Angela, will take the RRRPP
duties for this one. Oh, and I'll post a picture of Cody's hat that is in the Autry Museum in LA, and I will
also post photographic proof of me acquiring a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for Josh. I was gonna do it
in this review, but hey, it can wait one more review.
Don't forget to check out the
THE "GHOSTS" QUESTIONNAIRE to answer TYR trivia, to name that caption, and more!
Your participation is much appreciated. And you're still welcome to send me
a personal email if you like.
In the immortal words of Colonel Potter, "Never insult seven men when all you have is a six shooter."
This is just my opinion, you could be wrong.
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