Surviving the Alamo
By Ms. Cali
Exclusive tips from Teaspoon Hunter, ex-soldier, ex-Texas Ranger, Pony Express Station Manager, Town Sheriff, and Horse Trough Bathing, Bear Grease Rubbing, Onion
Eating, Grizzled Old Man
In today's world, it is imperative that one knows how to survive any disastrous occurrence, whether it be the $99 sale at the bridal store, the idiots sitting
behind you at the movies, an attack by General Santa Ana's army, or a generic outlaw looking for revenge. Teaspoon Hunter, currently sheriff of the small western
town of Sweetwater, Wyoming, believes he can help you survive.
MC: So, Teaspoon, tell me: how can your experience as a baseball player help me survive all the bridezillas at David's Bridal's $99 dress
sale, you know, if I ever have the need to go to that?
TH: What?
MC: You know, your experience playing for the Texas Rangers...
TH: Oh, that. Well, I had to deal with many an angry female in my day. You see, the female mind is a complicated thing. It's like a pie. My
first wife made great pie. Not as good as my third wife though. SHE made good pie. So, you see, this pie has many different ingredients, much like the female mind.
Now, taken separately, you can't really understand them, but when you put them together, it's just a heavenly treat. You know what I mean?
MC: Um, not really. No. So let's move on, shall we? Now, let's start with the Alamo. Do you remember that?
TH: Of course I remember the Alamo.
MC: That Billy Bob Thornton is great, isn't he?
TH: What?
MC: So, how did you survive the Alamo?
TH: Well, me and a few other men were sent to get help.
MC: So you weren't even there when the Mexican army attacked?
TH: Nope. We were ridin' to where General Sam Houston was camped.
MC: So to survive a situation like that, the best thing to do is to get out of it?
TH: It's simple really. The Alamo is like a hurricane. Now, I've never actually been in a hurricane, but I've read about it. There's strong
winds swirling around you...
MC: Let me just move on here. You've had to face many generic bad guys, from "Guy Who Robs Banks" to "Guy and Brother Who Kidnapped My
Adopted Daughter" to "Guy Who Eats Buzzards, Has One Eye, and Knows Kung Fu." How do you deal with that?
TH: Well, you have to find out their weakness and just get them there. For example, the bank robber you are referring to wore a mask but
told people his name. Of course, he was lying and said he was Wild Bill Hickock, but it's just that kind of stupidity that gets you caught you know?
MC: So, if I want to rob a bank, I should not wear a mask and tell people my name is Wild Bill Hickock?
TH: No, it's really much better to tell them your name is Barnett. He's probably the one person stupider than you are, so he won't really
figure out what's going on as easily.
MC: Thanks, I'll remember that.
TH: It's really just all about outthinking your opponent. If you can stay one step ahead of them, while sneaking up behind them, you're sure
to come out on top.
MC: Wait; are you ahead, behind, or on top? I'm confused.
TH: Well, life is a confusing thing isn't it? It's like a moose who lost his antlers...
MC: Well, that's all the time we have today. Teaspoon, thank you for agreeing to this interview.
There you have it; advice on living from the mind of Teaspoon Hunter. Be sure to read the next issue, when I talk to Teaspoon about his experiences playing for the
Texas Rangers.
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