Volume 1, Issue 1
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What's wrong with this world?

What's Wrong With Drivers?

Fast Food Workers

People at Airports

Elevator Impatience

What's Wrong With Parents?

Truck Beds Aren't for Trash

Zen Gardens?

Checkout Lines

10 Items or Less

Bookstore Employees

Celebrity Cookware

Get a Job

Garage Sale Deals

What's Wrong With People in Checkout Lines?
By Johnny Betts

I was at Wal-Mart doing a little Christmas shopping. I had a total of TWO items that I wanted to buy. I head on over to the "Speedy Checkout" line hoping to be done as quickly as possible.

Speedy Checkout -- Twenty items or less. Did you catch that? TWENTY items or less. TWENTY?!?!?! How many people at Wal-Mart, of all places, are going to have over twenty items (unless it's a Super Wal-Mart and they have groceries)? I don't see very many, therefore, what's the point of calling it "Speedy Checkout"? If anything, IT takes longer than regular lines! Why in the world can Wal-Mart not figure out how to have a "5 items or less" line? Or have a "1 or 2 items" line! Sorry, but "20 items or less" DOES NOT CUT IT!

So of course I have this innate ability to choose a line that will stop dead cold as soon as I get in it, and wouldn't you know that my ability was in full force this day. I don't know what the problem was, but some woman had some sort of card that wasn't working. The manager had to get called up to the front. He then left with the lady to go do whatever it is they do in such a circumstance. The cashier says, "Sorry for the delay, this will just take a few minutes."

This is the year 2001, and you want me to believe that there is NO WAY possible to check other people out while waiting for 15 minutes for that woman to get back? They could've at least canceled her purchase and started over when she got back. But nope, we just had to sit there twiddling our thumbs while waiting for the woman to return from her sabbatical so that we could continue with our lives. The woman finally returned after TWENTY MINUTES! I was so close to putting my stuff down and leaving, but sometimes I'm stubborn and I tell myself, "If I leave now then I'll get NOTHING out of the time I've wasted."

Welp, you'd think that was the worst of it. WROOOOONG. There was a mother and daughter team in front of us, and they were bound and determined to stretch my patience to the limit. Trust me, there's a global conspiracy out there made up of people who are trying to drive me absolutely crazy. I don't know what they have against ME though. Probably a bad case of jealousy.

The cashier rings up the daughter's junk and announces the price total. It is not until THIS point that the girl pulls out her checkbook and starts filling out the information!!! "Do I make the check out to Wal-Mart?" ARE YOU STINKIN' KIDDING ME?!?!?! YOU HAD TWENTY MINUTES TO GET YOUR CHECKBOOK OUT AND FILL IN YOUR INFORMATION!!!! Does she make the check out to Wal-Mart?!?! No, you genius, you make it out to "Morons R Us"!!!! Or better yet, how about I write a check to "The Johnny Betts Punch You in the Brain" fund and we cash it right now, how would you like that??? And then to make matters worse her mother is buying something separately.

They were Mexican or something, and the mother apparently didn't speak English too well. Oh joy of joys. The mother gives the cashier her credit card. Apparently when filling out her credit card application she asked that a picture ID be asked for when the credit card was used. So the cashier asked for a picture ID. The woman then showed the cashier her social security card. What in the world?

Cashier: No ma'am, I need a card with your picture on it.
Moron: *shows cashier her J.C. Penney Card*
Cashier: No, it has to have your picture on it.
Moron's moronic daughter: *giggle* She wanted to be asked to show a picture ID and now she doesn't understand that she has to show a picture ID. *giggle*

What are you giggling for? Is something funny going on? Have I not been made privy to the laugh-fest of which you are partaking? I've been in line for almost 30 minutes and I have to be honest with you, I don't find anything cute or funny about this at all. I'm thoroughly convinced that right at that moment God was up in Heaven shaking His head and saying, "This is what I get for giving them a free will."

Moron: *points to name on J.C. Penney card* This is me!

*sigh* Yeah, that's gonna cut it. "Oh, well if you say that's you then I guess it must be! Don't worry about the whole 'picture ID' thing. We'll take your word for it." They somehow got the situation straightened out. I'm not sure how because I turned around, looked at my wife, and told her that it was taking all my strength not to PUNCH SOMEBODY IN THE BRAIN!

I stepped up to the cashier, looked at my watch, told my wife, "Now watch this", and proceeded to take all of 45 SECONDS to complete my transaction. Would somebody like to explain to me why that's so hard? Why can't stores have a "Speedy Checkout -- IQ of 110 and Above" line or something? I'm sorry, but smart people need SOMETHING to help us out a little. WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

Reader: Is there any hope for the human race, Johnny?

Johnny: Yes, as long as Johnny Betts is here to call people on their stupidity.
Copyright 2002 Madlib Productions, All Rights Reserved

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