Volume 1, Issue 1
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What's wrong with this world?

What's Wrong With Drivers?

Fast Food Workers

People at Airports

Elevator Impatience

What's Wrong With Parents?

Truck Beds Aren't for Trash

Zen Gardens?

Checkout Lines

10 Items or Less

Bookstore Employees

Celebrity Cookware

Get a Job

Garage Sale Deals

What's Wrong With Fast Food Employees?
By Johnny Betts

Question: What does a liberal arts graduate say to an engineering graduate?
Answer: Would you like fries with that?

Don't get mad at me, folks, I didn't make up the joke. I did use it in college a few times though. My fellow engineering majors and I would use this joke to taunt the Art and English majors. That's right, we bad.

But behind this harmless little joke lies what needs to become a reality - fast food chains need to shell out a little extra dough to hire some better-educated workers. Wouldn't that make life easier on all of us?

McDonald's. Steph and I roll in to take advantage of their $0.99 double cheeseburger special. We didn't count on what would happen next. I've had to deal with a lot of stuff at fast food places before, but I believe this was perhaps the worst experience yet. Here is my story.

Johnny: I'd like a double cheeseburger with no mayonnaise or ketchup. But I would like mustard.

Here was my first mistake - whenever you start making condiment requests, the typical fast food employee goes into anaphylactic shock. Personally, I prefer mayonnaise, but Stephanie insists on mustard. You don't know how many times people have messed up my order based on condiment requests alone. For some reason a "mustard only" request results in "mayo only" about half the time.

Johnny: And I'd like two double cheeseburgers with everything...
Worker: Wait, so that's one double cheeseburger with no mayo and no pickle, one with no mayo...

At this point I knew the process was gonna last a lot longer than I wanted it to. I have no idea where she came up with the "no pickle" stuff, because I never mentioned anything about pickles. And pickles aren't a condiment. And why did she single out pickles?

Johnny: No, I never said I didn't want pickles. I want one double cheeseburger with no mayo or ketchup and two double cheeseburgers with everything.

At this point the chick started to feverishly rub her head as if someone was holding a gun to her and telling her she had 20 seconds to name the capitals of all 50 states in alphabetical order or she'd die. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why she was looking so stressed out. So she just stared at the register for a few seconds trying to think of something to say. I glanced over at Stephanie and she looked as bewildered as I.

Worker: Wait, what do you want again?

At this point I started to speak slowly. Stephanie couldn't bear to watch so she went to get straws and ketchup and napkins and all that good stuff.

Johnny: I want one double cheeseburger with no mayo and no ketchup and two just regular.

Worker: Wait, you want two regular cheeseburgers in addition to the three double cheeseburgers?


Johnny: No, no. By "regular" I mean I just want the double cheeseburgers as they come.

For some reason the girl continued to rub her head feverishly and stared at the register as if she was looking at a "Johnny Betts on Spring Break" web page. I couldn't take it anymore, and I figured it'd be best to just start over.

Johnny: Look, just erase the order and let's start over.
Worker: No, it's not that easy. I can't do that. Once the order is punched in it's already sent to the grill. We can't work around this.

Um, what? What in the world is this chick talking about? We can't work around this? Oh we're gonna work around this. I'm not about to pay for 10 cheeseburgers that I didn't order. Come on, nobody's ever changed an order? "I'd like a Big Mac and fries please. Wait, make it a Quarter Pounder." "Sorry, I punched in Big Mac, you can't change your order like that." Absolutely ridiculous.

Johnny: I'm sure there's a way to work around it.

I was perfectly ready to say, "Tell you how I'm gonna work around it - I'm gonna walk out to my car, open the door, start the engine, and drive down to Burger King and give THEM my business. That'll be a pretty good work-around, what do you think?"

Ms. Genius was starting to get nervous and called the manager over there, "Do you know how to work around this?"

The woman manager flashed me a dirty look as if I had tried to get her employee to prove the quadratic formula while taking my order. She punched a few buttons and asked me what I wanted.

Johnny: I want three double cheeseburgers, one with no mayo or ketchup.

Before I could order fries or a drink the manager venomously shouts, "$3.22" and storms off. I was left with Ms. Genius, and believe me, I was concerned.

Johnny: I wasn't finished with my order. I wanted fries and a coke also.

The girl just sat there looking dumbfounded. You'd have thought someone had just told her that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were heterosexuals.

Johnny: Can I do that?
Worker: Yeah.
Johnny: All right, well I'd like a large order of fries, a small drink, and a water please.

And finally, the nightmare was over. Stephanie and I were just flabbergasted by the whole ordeal. Steph said the problem was that I gave her too much information, and that she just couldn't process all of it. But I don't see how I could've given her any LESS information. Stephanie once ordered a "mustard whopper" from Burger King and all she got was meat and mustard - no pickles, no onions, no tomatoes, nothing. So you've gotta spell it out the best you can. But this, man, I just have no idea what went wrong. That's why I can't help but ask WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?!
Copyright 2002 Madlib Productions, All Rights Reserved

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